Hitori
by Literate
Summary: I was always alone. But when he came, I finally noticed that I was lonely all along. [Chaptered Hitachiin moments.] [Kaoru's POV.] [AU.] [HikaKao]
1. Memory

The first chapter fic I ever posted. o.o Wooo. -celebrates and throws cookies everywhere-

Anyway, this has a pretty strange concept- like one of those twin separation fics, but really, more like a... cute fic. I just wanted this out; it's like a fluff fic with a bit of angst, but you can hardly see it in the first place. :P The second chapter explains a bit more on the situation than right now, so this is really like a prologue.

It's this... short thing. T.T But every chapter's just a little moment.

Warning: AU... Is there anything to warn of? Rated T, since there's concepts that kids can't understand. Might be occasional profanity. Karou's POV through and through. Also, lots of OOC-ness, but that's to be expected in an AU story.

Disclaimer: I dun own Ouran, 'cus I can't come up with a greater idea than that. This is AU, so I tweaked the relationships around a bit, but it's centered around the twins. Duh.

* * *

_Hitori_

Alone, one, solitary, _hitori_, and now, since he came into my life, I notice that I was lonely all along.

AU.

* * *

Moment One-

-_Memory_

_Do you remember me, Kao-kun?_

* * *

"I remember you," he gives me a grin, his hazel eyes smiling at me, "You're the person who looks just like me." 

_I remember… it was long ago._

_I remember… it was a garden, the colorful blossoms a cheery pink. The leaves were falling; it was the early spring._

_I remember… I was sitting on the cold marble bench, my legs hanging limply, my hands placed on my laps, politely._

And I blink at him, taking in his blissful features- his smile's unnatural, his tone _too_ light-hearted- but that's how I see things-

"Yes, I know you."

If it was possible, his smile grew wider.

"_Kaoru-kun, I want you to meet someone," she said, and I look up from my hands, fixing my gaze on the older woman._

"_Hai, obaasan?"_

_I saw a tuff of light brown hair, but I didn't say anything when a face just like mine popped up from behind her black skirt-_

"Do you remember my name?" he asks happily, his hands clenched in front of him- his eyes, like a child anticipating.

I furrow my brows- crap, I forgot his name- and I think very hard, and I see him visibly wilting.

"You… don't remember my name, Kao-kun?" he implores, his eyes welling up with tears. I almost want to comfort him, when he lights up and practically glitters at me, "I'm Hika-kun! Remember?"

And I close my eyes for a fraction of a second-

"_Cool!" he chirped happily, his eyes soft in contentment, "You look just like me!"_

_And I could only nod at this- I had noticed it; I fingered my other hand, "What's your name?"_

"_My name?" and he blinked, and smiled, "You can call me Hika-kun, Kao-kun!"_

"Yes, I do remember," and I almost feel like smiling, but I keep my straight face, my eyes looking nonchalantly at him.

"Hmm," and he taps his temple once, twice, his eyes concentrated with something. "Kao-kun, you're old now. Not like how I remember," he purses his lips, scanning me with a critical face.

"You're mistakened, I didn't reach my twenty-fourth birthday," I shake my head, my hands sliding into my pockets, "I'm not five anymore."

And then he opens his mouth in understanding, and he nods-

"You're different, Kao-kun," and he scrunches his face up in thought, "I don't get it."

I don't get it either.


	2. Hikaru

Hika is luffs. :D

Warning/Disclaimer: Rated T; AU. All relationships and status in canon are completely different in this story. And just to say, I have nothing against mentally unstable people; just going to use this idea for my own purposes. Also, I'm not an expert on this, so I think there's two possibilities that a child could be mentally ill: genetic mutations, or early childhood trauma. If there's anything else I need to know about it, tell me. I'm open. The characters and props in Ouran are not mine, but I'm just using them.

* * *

Moment Two-

_-Hika-kun_

_I heard that... he drove her mad._

* * *

_It was only a week ago, several months after I had restarted my mother's company, the fashion brand that was popular back then._

_The glass door creaked slowly, as I raised my eyes from the sketches, my pencil pausing once._

"_Obaasan?" I sounded surprised, my pencil almost dropping from the sight of the middle-aged woman._

"_Kaoru-kun, I have some news to tell you," she said quietly, walking towards my desk, taking a seat in the office chair in front of me. Her gray eyes looked at my sharply, her withered hands clenching and unclenching, "I know it was troublesome of me to bother you, after you've starting running your mother's old business…"_

_She was going to bother me no matter what- why did I think that I was free from her after I graduated? I collected my sketches, and my hazel eyes roamed to her contemptuous expression- I didn't waver, "Yes?"_

"_I had a lawyer look over your mother's will," she said slowly, her eyes flashing in some sort of victory, "The young dear told me that a frightful amount had been omitted from the document, so here's a copy of the entire will," she handed me a large brown envelope, but I didn't dare look inside, as she continued, "Also, I've received some disturbing information, regarding the custody of… an ill-minded child."_

_I only nodded, my passive hazel eyes running over her small figure-_

"_His guardian had died, so officials had traced his custody to his nearest relative," she said daintily, her eyes closed, as if she didn't want to see me, then she flickered the cold eyes open, and smiled at me, chillingly, "However, I am not even a relative of his…" and she pulled out another stack of papers from her black leather purse, "So I switched his guardianship to yours."_

_I froze at her icy glare._

"_You don't mind, do you? You're a legal adult now," she added- and I couldn't find the words in me to speak, "Also, you're his only surviving relative; you don't want to deny him, do you?"_

His surname is Hitachiin, my deceased mother's pride, so there had to be an obvious resemblance, to me, to her. He calls himself Hika-kun, a diminutive nickname despite his age. He loves to joke around, and his smile, his eyes is eerily warming. And the worse part is-

"Kao-kun! Don't be so boring!" he tugs at my arm, and I almost fall out of my chair, the pencil dragging a deep lead line into the paper. He gives me his puppy eyes, the watering, begging ones, "Play with me!"

He's twenty-three.

"_He has some form of mental retardation," she said dismissively, obviously enjoying my torment. My eyes scanned the papers disbelievingly, her words cold, "I heard his guardian practically hung herself from his immense problems. He drove her mad."_

I close my eyes, "Hikaru-"

"Hika-kun!" he pips up, smiling that insanely ignorant smile of his, "You have to call me Hika-kun!"

I sigh, rubbing my temples, achingly, "Hika-kun, I'm doing my work. Don't bother me."

"Eh? Work? But that's boring," he pouts childishly, and he pulls my revolving chair away from the office desk, as I try to scramble for my papers, "Play with me!"

I swear, he's just like a kid- and he pushes me off the chair, "Kao-kun, come on!"

And I fall headfirst into the floor, eating tiled floor. I sigh, exasperated, "Fine… just for half an hour."

He smiles, plopping next to me on the floor, tackling me happily. He snuggles into my neck, "Yay, Kao-kun is playing with me!"

I watch him boringly, as he detaches himself from me, and begins to pick up the big crayons that were scattered across the floor. He's smiling again, for him, at me, and drawing it on the yellowing paper- a waxy blue smile-

It's sickening.

'Hika-kun' is sickening.


	3. Sleep

Again... Hika-kun is luffs. :3

Warning and Disclaimer: Nothing to warn, just a bit of HikaXKao-ness, but that's always good. :D

* * *

Moment Three:

_-Sleep_

_You want me to _sleep_ with you?_

* * *

The computer screen glares at me, my fingers flying across the keyboard, the quarterly report has to be finished- I run a hand through my hair, reading the words, sentences through and through.

I always worked hard, it's just who I am. It doesn't matter that I've hardly slept in the past few days, and the amount of coffee I consumed each day actually amounted to more than five cups.

That can't be healthy- but I have work to do.

I blink as I hear a knock on the door- a timid knock, as the door creaked open slowly. He paces sleepily into the room, a light pink bunny held in his arms, his pajamas decorated with light blue lines. He blinks at me, meeting my eyes- and really, he looks so innocent-

"Kao-kun, what are you doing still awake?" he says, sitting onto my bed, holding the plush rabbit close to him, and he yawns.

"Hika-kun, why aren't _you_ asleep?" I retaliate, turning around to focus on my work again.

"I can't. It's too dark in there," he mumbles softly, and then, he asks softly, "Can you sleep with me, Kao-kun?"

"_What?" _I widen my eyes, whipping around to see his begging gaze, innocently oblivious.

"Please, Kao-kun? It's dark there, and then I can't sleep if the lights on…" he trails, but that's not what I'm concerned with-

"You want me to _sleep_ with you?" And somehow, it sounds wrong when I say it.

And he nods, his innocent hazel eyes fixed on me, "It feels lonely in a big house like this."

"Hikaru," I sigh, closing my eyes-

"Hika-kun."

I sigh, tiredly, "Hikaru, _how_ old are you again?"

He lowers his eyes to the ground, bringing his legs onto the bed, his pale hands clutching at his plush bunny, "You think like that too?"

And I blink, watching as he hugs himself.

"Oneesan kept saying that," he says, almost inaudibly, his eyes glazing over, "And she's gone now…"

He looks up at me, imploringly his hazel eyes watering, "Don't think like that, Kao-kun…"

I'm taken aback and he continues to watch me, as if he wants me to answer. I nod, slowly, "Alright, Hikaru."

Suddenly, he lights up happily, like a beam of laser light, and out of nowhere, his hand catches my hand and he drags me over to the bed, pushing me onto the crisp sheets-

"Okay, then! Kao-kun, sleep!" -and he flops onto my bed as well, messing up the sheets, and he puts his bunny in front of my face. I'm staring at him, wide-eyed, before I try to push him away-

"Wait, hold on a second! I have to finish my work!"

"Work can wait later," he chirps, pulling on my arm as I fight to go back towards my computer, in vain. I didn't know someone like him could be so _strong_. He finally gets a firm hold on me, and pushes me into the mattress, the bed squeaking slightly at the struggle. He smiles above me, as he tucks me into my own bed, before sliding under the sheets as well.

He places his arms around my waist, his head snuggling against my neck, as I try to pry his tight grip off of me. Before long, I give up, and sigh, my eyes sliding close slowly, my breaths slowing.

_I needed sleep, so he forced me to sleep._

The thought floats emptily in my head before collapsing in on itself, and I fall asleep for the first time in days.

I don't know about him, but maybe he isn't as shallow as I thought he was.


	4. Pocky

Somehow, I think Hikaru can read Kaoru's mind. After this, you can say goodbye to all the stories less than or equal to seven hundred words. :3

Warning and Disclaimer: None. :D Well, I dun own the twins, and that's it. :D

* * *

Moment Four-

_-Pocky_

_You can have some, Kao-kun._

* * *

"_Kaoru-kun! You shouldn't be eating that at a time like this!" she snatched the box away from me, throwing it onto the floor, the biscuits falling out of the box, scattering, breaking like the rest of my life. I sniffed, my eyes moist, on the verge of tears. She didn't even comfort me; instead she slammed the math workbook in front of me, her smile an icy smile, "Do this. Your teachers say that you've been falling behind in math."_

_I wanted to protest, to scream out that I wanted it back, but the voice never came to me. She smiled a sweetly-sick smile, her look poisonous, "Kaoru-kun, if you don't finish this book, you're never going to have snack time again."_

_I never did finish that extra homework._

_I never did eat pocky ever again._

Is it possible…

That in two weeks, two whole weeks, that you _finally_ notice that-

"I like pocky, Kao-kun; let's get some," he smiles, leaning over my desk, his face too close to mine. He's smiling, completely blissful, and I make a face-

"I don't have any time," I retort, bringing my sketches together, making a neat pile. He stands in front of me, his eyes glued onto my hands, as I arrange my piles of papers over and over, my hands finally reaching the folder that I need. I flip through the pages of sketches, my eyes roaming over them, boringly.

His gaze intensifies, and I give up, my fingers tightening around the papers, as I raise my head to look at his intent eyes.

He blinks, then smiles, as I put my folders off to one side, standing up from my chair, stretching.

"Fine, let's go then," I frown at him, while he glitters at me happily. I put on my coat, and hand him his, as I begin to walk towards the office door, and he's on my tail, whistling a random off-note tune.

_Why does he affect me like this?_

It feels strange, sitting at the street corner, but it's Saturday, so the entire lane's closed for the shopping days. Putting a hand on my cheek, I watch him, nostalgia misting over my hazel eyes. His shallow eyes are closed, and he's contently chewing on the pocky stick, his legs crossed in a way that kids would sit. I can feel people staring at us, whispering some choice words, but I disregard them, as I run my dazed hazel eyes over his delighted expression, and then down to his hand.

He pops open an eyes, blinking twice before shoving the box into my face, smiling happily, "You can have some, Kao-kun."

I almost say that I can always buy another box- when he takes a stick out and places it into my hand. He watches me expectantly, waiting.

"Thanks," I say, mostly out of etiquette, and I stick the pocky into my mouth, my tongue brushing the chocolate off the biscuit. I sigh slightly, my eyes closing, a warm fuzzy feeling coming into my heart.

_This brings back memories_.

And as I see him smile even more, I almost want to smile at him-

But I don't.


	5. Toothbrush

Ooh, Hani-senpai is dragged into the mix. :D And yes, the bunny is Usa-chan.

Forget what I said about last of the drabbles less than seven hundred words... er, this is the last one. Dx I swear!

Warning and Disclaimer: The same, the same. I dun like wasting space.

* * *

Moment Five-

_Toothbrush-_

_Kao-kun, you like Usa-chan's toothbrush?_

* * *

"Let go of me, Hikaru."

"Hika-kun," he smiles sleepily at me, nuzzling his head into my neck again. His embrace is warming, and slightly awkward; his hands are around me, hugging me to him like a toy.

I squirm out of his grasp, only to be pulled back into bed again. And I'm thoroughly annoyed-

"I have to go to work, Hikaru," I retort, and he only relinquishes his grip with a sad smile.

"Aw," he drawls, as I sit up, standing drowsily from the bed, tottering slowly to the bathroom. I give him a backwards glance, as he pouts, sitting up, the pink bunny still in his arms, "Why do you have to go to work, Kao-kun?"

"I have to," I reply simply, before turning my back on him, entering the large bathroom. I stare at my reflection for a while- Hikaru does faintly look like me, if he gels up his hair that is. I sigh, and pick up my orange toothbrush, putting toothpaste onto the bristles, before spotting a strange pink bunny-shaped toothbrush propped in a yellow smiley-faced cup.

I stare at it, completely ignoring how I got the mint toothpaste all over my hand. I place my toothbrush into my mouth brushing it, my eyes still fixed onto the oddity-

"Kao-kun, you like Usa-chan's toothbrush?" he cheeps happily, and I almost gag on my toothbrush.

"U-Usa-chan's… toothbrush?" I splutter out, my hazel eyes darting from the pink plush bunny to the pink rabbit-shaped toothbrush.

"Usa-chan eats lots of sweets so I have to brush his teeth everyday!" he smiles, blissfully ignorant to the fact that the rabbit was made out of cloth and definitely shouldn't be soaked with mint toothpaste. Nor eating sweets.

"But what's that doing in _my_ bathroom?" But I don't even have to ask, as he points to another toothbrush, a blue one of identical shape-

"Your toothbrush looked lonely, so I decided to move mine in here!" he smiles, glitters adorning his aura. "Anyway! Usa-chan, time for your daily brushing!"

I freeze as he picks up the pink toothbrush, picking up a tube of vanilla flavored toothpaste and dashing it across the brush. My eyes widen as he tries to brush the rabbit's thread mouth, and I'm just staring at him- and staring-

"Hikaru," I say weakly, as he furrows his brow in concentration. He looks at me with an innocent smile, as he opens the faucet, and puts the rabbit into the spray of the water, the foam sliding off the bunny's face. "Hikaru, who taught you this?"

And if he could smile even more, that's just what he did, a light pace in his voice, "Hani-senpai! He likes sweets too, just like Usa-chan here! He kept me company a lot!"

I run my eyes over the now soggy bunny, as I continue, "From your school?"

He nods furiously, giving me a large smile, "But he's graduated now, and he gave me Usa-chan, so he wouldn't get lonely without Hani-senpai."

I spit out the bubbles, bringing a cup of water to my lips, gurgling quickly. And then, I see something in his smile that's _different_, and I spit out the water into the sink, blinking. But then, he smiles, delighted.

"But Hani-senpai doesn't have to worry!" he shouts, completely recovered, his smile practically emitting sparkles. He punched the air, "I will always take care of Usa-chan!"

And I just watch him, my mind churning, remembering that _lost, empty_ look on his face.

_It doesn't match him._

Sometimes, he just makes me want to laugh.

Sometimes, he just makes me want to cry.


	6. Cookies

It's a thousand and something words. So it's not insanely short. It's the first of these types of format- alternating tenses back and forth. :D

Warning and Disclaimer: Same, same. Nothing to say. -shrug-

* * *

Moment Six-

_Cookies_

_Two chocolate chip cookies, onegai!_

* * *

My stomach growls, predatorily; did I even eat breakfast _or_ lunch today? I sigh heavily, flipping through my papers, my sketches. I have to get this finished- the newest styles has to be sent to the other sections quickly, in time for the winter fashion line. And the company's just starting to speed up after I opened the second line for autumn. I can't afford to waste any time.

I take a deep breath, calming my frantic heart- I've spent too much time dallying around with Hikaru. I rub my temple with a finger; not that I don't want his company, but…

"Kao-kun, Kao-kun!" He flings the glass doors open, and I shudder, as glass hit glass. He's on me in a flash, a gleeful smile decorating his face, his hands pressing onto the black desk.

He's just a bit distracting sometimes.

I put my pen to the side, organizing my papers in a messy pile to my left, despite myself, because whenever he's smiling like that, he wants something, "What is it, Hikaru?"

He gives me a thumbs-up, "I just saw something cool!"

I deadpan his smile, "…What is it?"

"Someone was drinking coffee and stuff! Where do you get it?" he shouts at me, my fingers plugging up my ears, my blank eyes opposing his sparkling happiness. He looks at me expectantly, like he wants me to do something about it.

"Oh. You mean the employees' lounge?" I blink, standing up from my desk, pacing towards the door, and he's… I turn back to look at him, "Hikaru, are you coming or not?"

He jerks his head away from my desk, as he smiles, nodding, before he tackles me from behind, "I want a cookie, Kao-kun!"

_The bird seemed to fly freely, hopping along the branches outside, its brown wings beating the air. I sighed slightly, watching as the bird jumped from the tree and into the air, flying, floating in heaven- like I couldn't. _

_I heard a loud rap of the ruler, and I flinched, my hand burning, dropping my pencil to the floor._

"_Kaoru-kun, you have to pay attention. Don't be distracted," she commanded sternly, and I, my hand sore, picked up the lead pencil, my knuckles burning a bright red, "Now, get back to work."_

_My hand ached even more, as it clenched the pencil tightly, writing in character after character, and I felt her presence leave me, as she closed the door sharply. It clicked, locked; I gulped, my eyes straying from my homework to the ominous oak door. Flustered, I whipped my eyes back to my problems- that if I couldn't finish them all in time, she would lock me in forever._

_I did it, problem after problem, tackling each one with an increasing difficulty- until, I hardly knew what to do at all. I stared blankly at the paper, my brows furrowing, as I tried to decipher it, to see what it meant-_

_But a child's mind, only seven years old, couldn't have done it at all._

Most of the employees simply stare at us, as we made our way towards the café center of the building, Hikaru's smiling it all off, waving to the adults, who weakly wave back.

"Kao-kun," he chirps, pulling on my arm eagerly, "I want a cookie, I want a cookie!"

I roll my eyes slightly, as I look dead straight into the cash receiver, who seems startled- but even if you work somewhere your employer hardly goes to, you always know his face-

And there are _two_ of them. Imagine their confusion.

I watch as he runs a hand along the glass display case, his finger lightly caressing the cold surface, his hazel eyes reflecting off the glass as he tries to choose-

"Hi-Hitachiin-san," she bows deeply, her brown eyes darting back and forth as if she doesn't know which one is the actual boss. I run a bored eye over Hikaru, as he finally pointed to a cookie he wanted-

_Chocolate chip? I like that too_.

"Two chocolate chip cookies, onegai!" he chirps, leaning over the counter, giving the young girl a childish grin. She smiled a bit more confidently back- and I wonder- does his smile really have that effect on people? She gives a package of the two cookies to him, as I nod to her- there was no need to pay at all. He takes out a hundred-yen coin from his pocket and shoves it into her face, smiling, "Doomo!"

Turning from the strange scene, I begin to walk out of the lounge, my hands in my pocket, my eyes staring at the black obsidian tiles. Hikaru can really be… so strange; he can act childish and immature, but he's… really, really nice, if you look at it properly.

"Hikaru, we need to get going," I turn around, when I notice that he's not following me, and I blink as I look down the halls. There's a mysterious wind, as the empty halls stare at me, shock hitting me with full force.

_Kami, he didn't get lost, did he?!_

Without hesitation, I run back to the lounge- _they might mistaken him for me!_- and I peek through the glass walls, the windows saying absolutely nothing- and I can't see if Hikaru's there. My hand removes itself from the cold glass, as I walk inside again, my frightened hazel eyes running over the crowd of business suits-

And I can't find him.

_I almost felt like crying; obaasan was putting me through unneeded torture, forcing to do good in school, forcing me to do extra homework. She wanted me to inherit her company, a publishing incorporated, so she had me read and write essays every day._

_She went too far- I was starving, thirsty, and she didn't open the door. I tried the knob once, but I couldn't open it- I was locked in._

_I placed my head against the cool of my desk, my heartbeat weak. I felt faint- you couldn't starve children, you just _couldn't_. I sighed, my eyes fluttering shut, and then-_

_There was a rap against my window. I blinked, and looked up, to see the bird that was there before. I thought it was the same bird-_

_I stood from my desk, and walked towards the window, laying my head on the sill, watching the brown sparrow, look at me. I moved my eyes, admiring the softness of the feathers, when I noticed that its leg was caught on something-_

_Was that the reason why it couldn't fly?_

_It was a small bag, hooked onto the poor bird's talons. I opened the window quickly, bringing the bird inside, slowly examining the knot- it was tangled. I loosened the plastic bag from it, and immediately it opened its wings against me, and I watched dumbly as it flew away from me, yet again._

_I fingered the bag- my eyes looking into the pouch to see what was actually inside-_

_Two small round chocolate chips laid in there._

_And I needed just that._

I'm tired, exhausted. I ran the entire building over and over, lapping the company, asking _everyone_ if they saw someone who looked just like me. And they would always say, "Well, I saw you run past about two minutes ago-" And I would get nowhere, because that _was_ me.

I sigh, running a hand through my sweaty brown hair, jogging back to my work- I have to get back to my work sooner or later, I need it done in twenty minutes.

Pushing open the office doors, I almost trip on the many papers littered on the ground- and almost landing headfirst into the black marble floor. I right myself, my hand on the desk, as I glare at the offending pieces of trash on the ground. They are all Hikaru's doodling, random ones-

And I sigh again, keeping it in mind to clean up _after_ I do my work _and_ find Hikaru, as I turn to sit down at my chair.

It's odd that my papers are suddenly all in neat and tidy piles. I flip through the pages, trying to figure out where I left off, and then I notice something very… very… peculiar.

_I'm done?_

I stare wide-eyed at the sketches, all of them complete, enough to fulfill both winter lines. The latter sketches were detailed, slightly different from my crisp style, but it still has a sort of flair that I can't deny-

I look up trembling, trying to see if Hikaru was hiding from me or something, when I see-

-sitting on the side of my desk is the package of two chocolate chip cookies.


	7. Play

Sickeningly sweet. I was going to end it with an angst scene, but decided against it. Oh well, have fun with the bliss while it lasts- the next chapter's heavy with angst.

Warning/Disclaimer: Just putting it here so you know I'm warning for something and disclaiming something...

* * *

Moment Seven-

_Play-_

_You aren't working today, right, Kao-kun?_

* * *

"You… don't have work, Kao-kun?" and he stares at me with big large eyes.

I flip a page in my book, the one that I've been trying to catch up on, and lower my eyes, "People need breaks every so often."

"But, Kao-kun," and he plops onto my lap, laying entirely onto the bed, looking up at me from behind the book, "You were working, and working, and working and working-"

_For three weeks straight, _I know. I sigh heavily, and put the book on the bed, pushing the heavy weight off of me-

"-and working, and working, and working-" he's continuing, pacing around the room again. I roll over on my stomach, muffling out his words with my pillow, and suddenly he stops, his voice innocent, "You aren't working today, right, Kao-kun?"

I grunt a half-enthused grunt, my eyes closing.

"So… Kao-kun! I want to go to the park!"

I raise my head slowly, blinking as my hazel met his hazel, "… You _what_?"

He smiles a large smile, plopping his hands on his hips, matter-of-factly, "The park! I _always_ go to the park when I want to play!"

I blink at him, before plopping my head into the pillow again, mumbling, "I'm tired… Go there yourself."

Suddenly there's a tight grip on my hand, and I feel the sheets sliding under me, until I meet the edge of the bed-

"Hikaru! Idiot!"

-and I tumble, landing hard on my stomach, glaring at his smiling face, as he pulls on my hand again, yanking me upward to stand.

"I don't want to go to the park, Hikaru," I growl, giving him a glare, but he brushes it off like it was nothing- he just smiles at me-

"We have to go to the park! It's fun, I promise!" And with that, he gives me a sickening white smile, and I wish that I had control over my life again.

"_Let's play!" he smiled happily, dragging me off the bench, his small hand wrapped around mine. I could only watch as he led the way to the small garden in the courtyard of obaasan's mansion._

"_Play?" I asked, scared of what it might mean, of what he might do, but he just gives me an incredulous look, his brows furrowed in concentration-_

"_Yeah! Play! We can play in the leaves; it's really fun," he said, and I couldn't decipher whether it was said sincerely or mischievously._

"_I don't want to get into trouble," I mumbled, a hand straying towards my mouth, almost shy to even tell him that. He was my first friend, and I didn't want to seem… weird._

"_Trouble? Nah, it's fun, it's fun! Come on!" he laughed, and then placed his other hand over my eyes- I felt slightly nervous- "Okay, don't open your eyes until I say so!"_

"Hikaru, this isn't funny," I deadpan, as I run my eyes across the dry landscape; it's the middle of winter, and whoever's sane enough are at their homes right now, drinking hot chocolate and lounging in the warmth of their artificial air.

My fingers are chilled- lucky that I brought my gloves with me, and my hands are stuffed cozily into my coat pockets. The dull browns aren't doing so good for my eyes, but how hard is it to find a bright crimson winter coat in all of this? My hazel eyes scrutinize the half-deserted park, around benches, around trees, around crepe stands-

And I still can't find him.

"Kao-kun!" I almost jump at his reappearance, and whip around to see a strange smile on his face; oh, it's a slight smirk, "You don't know how to play hide-and-seek, Kao-kun?"

I mumble an inaudible answer, but his smile widens eerily.

"I'll show you!" he puts an arm around my shoulders- but that wasn't my answer- "Okay, you count to ten and I'll hide somewhere! You'll have to find me, Kao-kun! Easy, ne?"

"I want to go home," I whine, but it doesn't take long until he prances off, and I can't see him anymore. I simply run a hand through my chilled hair, and sigh.

This is going to be a long day.

_I tightened my grip on his hand just a bit and he kept the hand over my eyes, and I continued to walk in darkness, until-_

"_Tada!" And I blinked, looking around at the garden, the fall leaves scattered about in small piles. I stared- how did you "play" with this? He giggled a bit at me, as I turned towards him, about to ask a question when suddenly-_

"_Kao-kun, you're so weird!"_

_I yelp, as he tackled me harshly, until both of us tumble hard into the rough uneven ground, leaves crunching under us. And then, he started laughing, as I looked at him-_

"_Hika-kun, what was that for?" I asked, but I only received a smile for an answer, and a finger over my lips, as he chucked several dry leaves at me. "H-Hey!"_

_He smiled, playfully, childishly, "Look, Kao-kun," and he grabbed several leaves and threw them up in the air. His eyes seemed fixed on the leaves, and he was smiling, a warmth in his eyes that I'd never seen._

_I sat up slowly as I watched the orange leaves as they spiraled to the ground, landing with a small flutter._

"Hikaru," I call again, frowning, a hand firmly on my hip- it's been several hours already, and he still hasn't shown up- he must be a very good hider, I sigh, my bored eyes raking across the pink and orange horizon. My feet shuffle through the withered leaves in my path, my eyes on the ground, thinking, _where could he have gone?_

I sigh, slightly annoyed that I was pulled out of the house just to freeze in this sort of weather-

"Kao-kun, Kao-kun!" I raise my eyes, as I see him run towards me, a bright smile on his face, "You didn't find me! I'm good, ne, Kao-kun?"

"Yeah, you're good," I murmur, just to appease his happiness, as I lower my gaze to the concrete ground again. I half-expect him to continue to talk, half-expect him to hug me, anything, but I can't expect him-

"Eh, look, Kao-kun!" and I follow his finger towards a bare tree, stripped of its leaves. On one of the branches, a small bird stood, its feathers puffed out in an attempt to warm itself. I pick up my pace, curiosity leading me towards the tree, my hazel eyes fixed onto the bird-

I reach up, and I can almost touch the soft feathers, when a large gust blows down the pathway, my hand retracting as I see the bird curl up even more.

"It's going to get cold there," I hear him say, and I look at him, and he's looking at it, his hands in his pockets- and for once he actually looks _normal_ until he reaches towards the bird, cupping it in his hands, bringing it off the branch. He smiles, his finger softly rubbing the feathers, as he holds it out to me, his voice light and airy, "Kao-kun, touch him. He's warm."

I don't bother to correct him that this bird might be a she, but I nod, and gently, press a knuckle softly against the bird's shivering body. It's brown feathers are spotted, I note, as I blow lightly against the contour feathers.

"Kawaii, ne?" I whisper, fingering its head, and it ruffles its feathers before settling into Hikaru's gloved hands again.

"Birdy-san would get a cold if he says out like this," he says, in a not so quiet whisper, as he kneels down, pulling off his leather gloves. My eyes blinking, I watch him tucking the warm material around the sleeping bird, placing it within a small crevice in the tree roots. He searches his pockets to find nothing, then looks at me, his bare hands slipping quietly into his coat, "I think Birdy-san is still cold."

I blink, then look at the shivering pile of cloth at the foot of the tree. I slip off my left glove, before crouching, putting the glove at the opening of the tree, leaving a small space for the bird to breath. Sighing into the chilly air, I straighten up, my hands in my pockets again.

"Let's go, Hikaru; it's almost dark," I say to him, pulling out my silver phone from my pocket. I stare, flipping through the numbers, as I look over to him again, a questioning look on my face. But he's stood up, and he's smiling again, his eyes dancing with mischief-

"Orange, Kao-kun. Your phone looks better orange."


	8. Tears

... Angst. Definitely. xD First part of a two-part series on tears and smiles. See the inner workings of Hika-kun. :D

Warning and Disclaimer: Gah. x.x Just putting this here so you know I meant to put something here besids this.

* * *

Moment Eight-

_Tears_

_Kaoru, are you crying?!_

* * *

_It was high afternoon, as I stared out the window, longing for the glass to open up and take me away from here-_

"_Kaoru-kun, you…" I didn't look at her, I didn't want to see the very woman who did all this; I simply looked out, my pen in my loose hand, "Kaoru," she said sternly, and I flinched; she continued just as coldly, "You have competition, so you're going to have to work on your skills."_

_I didn't want to ask her why; I kept silent- that maybe if I didn't respond then she wouldn't make me do anything._

"_Here, draw out designs," she said, as if the words were poison on her tongue, "Your mother was good with fashion; you should have the same skills."_

_She placed a pile of papers on my mahogany desk, and I stared at it, not doing anything._

_Fashion? Draw? I was only eight, why did I have to draw something I didn't even know how to do?_

"_I can't, obaasan," I replied softly enough for her to hear._

_And suddenly, I felt a sting against my cheek, and my eyes widened in pain-_

"_Kaoru, get onto it. If you're not inheriting the Tsuko Publishing, then you'll definitely get your mother's old company," she spat out, retracting her hand, as she trailed over to the doors, her words quiet but I still heard it, "I swear, all Hitachiin are the same."_

_And the door slammed closed, the lights flickering silently._

I've noticed in the past two months-

Hikaru smiles a lot.

But he has many different kinds of smiles.

He has one when he wants something, he would smile that knowing smile, and it always meant that I had to get it for him no matter what.

He has another one when he's pleased, he would just close his eyes contently, his lips twisting upwards just a little bit. And according to the occasions he smiles this smile, he's pleased very easily.

And I can always tell if he's thinking up something, like playing games, or a plan to distract me from work again- he would always have a playful smile on his face, and a not so innocent look to match it.

But the rarest of all is his real smile. I couldn't see it before, but now, I see, just every so often, when he thinks I'm not looking, he just smiles, without reason, and it's the only time he looked peaceful, without being an annoying brat.

I can't put my finger on it, but somehow, I don't he's selfish. I just don't.

"Kao-kun!" I freeze at his voice, and he pulls down the back of my chair- and I'm precariously balancing, my surprised eyes meeting his mischievous hazel, "Can you play with me? I'm bored."

Never mind. I'm insane for thinking he's not selfish.

"Play?" I repeat, as he lowers my chair back onto it's usual level, "I have work to do, Hikaru."

He walks around me, to the front of my desks and peers while I'm organizing the sketches I've designated for the second winter line. He blinks at me, and I blink at him, as he reaches over-

-and pulls on my face.

"Hikaru, what the hell are you _doing_?" I glare, swatting his hands away, rubbing my cheeks. He just looks at me innocently-

"Kao-kun, is your face frozen or something?" he blinks, cocking his head, completely oblivious to the way I'm glaring.

"No," I say sternly, organizing my papers more harshly than before, my voice heated, "What makes you think so?"

He doesn't answer, and instead he leans closer to me, his hazel eyes the epitome of ignorance, and blinks.

"Hikaru, go away," I push his face from mine, and for once he doesn't have a smile on. He's just staring at me, blank staring.

"Kao-kun, your face…"

And I drag my hand over my face, blinking as I look at my hand-

"What about my face?"

He purses his lips the way he always does when he's thinking about something-

"It looks weird," he finally says, and he pulls away from me.

I raise a brow, _oh, really?_ I set my eyes into a deadpan, and he looks at me, "We have the same face, Hikaru."

And then, his finger taps against the table before he brings it up to his face, laying it gently on his cheek- he's thinking. Suddenly, something in his eyes change-

"Kao-kun!" and he's smiling that mischievous smile again, slamming his hands against the table, and I flinch slightly, "Do you want a cookie?"

"No," I eye him suspiciously- he had a sudden change in attitude-

"Do you want to draw?" he smiles and throws all his colored wax stubs onto my desk, looking at me expectantly.

"No."

"Do you read?"

"Sometimes," I say, watching my words, "Why?"

"Do you like to?"

"Not really."

And I'm confused to as what he wants me to answer-

He pouts, his frown lopsided, "You're no fun, Kao-kun."

"Go play with someone else, then," I mumble, trying to sort out my papers again.

And I blink, as he implores, his eyes almost begging, watering slightly, and I bite my lip- he's moved to tears easily-

"Kao-kun, don't _you_ have anything fun to do?"

He starts crying loudly, fisting his eyes harshly, my eyes widening- Kami, what did I do to deserve this?

"Hikaru, don't cry," and he flings himself on me, almost crushing the papers on the desk, and I'm patting him on the back awkwardly, "Really, I mean it. Don't cry, people are staring."

He only shuts up a little bit, as he begins hiccupping, rubbing his face into my shoulder. I frown slightly as I see the secretaries outside peering in to see what's happening. "Alright, Hikaru, what do you want to do?"

"I want to play with you!" and he's tearing up again, and I pray to great Kamisama that the stupid employees aren't gathering at the glass doors.

"Okay, quiet," I say, running a hand through his hair, my eyes closing, "What are we going to do?"

And then, he stops crying, looking at me timidly, and I blink, as he averts his tear-filled eyes, "I want to do what you like to do…"

And I blink, deadpanning his face, and he goes back to digging a hole in my shoulder with his face. I sigh, my brows furrowing, trying to think up a way to sooth him, "I'm sorry that I'm boring, Hikaru."

"What do you like to do, Kao-kun?" he whispers so quietly I almost can't hear him.

"Uh… nothing?" I say, and he twitches-

"No, no! You have to like doing something!" he says, his eyes wide and innocent.

"I don't."

"Then, you're weird, Kao-kun!" he says, staring strangely at me, and he pulls away, until he's half-sitting on the desk. He grabs my shoulders, looking into my eyes, "You have to like doing something! What is it?"

"Um…" I avert my eyes, feeling unnaturally awkward, as the door creaks slightly open, "I… I…"

"Hitachiin-san likes watching the stars!" I snap my eyes towards the door, and a whole line of employees are peeking through the doors.

"Wait, when did I even say that?!" and my tone is nervous- Hikaru's going to take it the wrong way, I'm sure-

"You like stars, Kao-kun?" he looks desperately at me, but I shake my head furiously, staring accusingly at the giggling employees-

"What about clouds?!" another injects unhelpfully, as Hikaru rakes his eyes over mine, like he's daring me to say it out loud- but I don't know what to say. He pushes me away, kicking away from desk, the papers flying into the air. I frown as I reach over to gather the crumpled papers, as he ran towards the idiot employees-

I run my eyes over the papers, and most of the papers he destroyed were some of my sketches- I sigh a bit, a deep unsettling feeling settling in my stomach, and sit back onto my chair, taking out more papers, beginning to outline my designs… again.

_It's… unfair, unfair._

I don't know how it happened, but tears suddenly leak from my eyes-

"Kao-kun? What are you- Kaoru, are you crying?!"

"_You disappoint me, Kaoru-kun," she frowned, leafing through my half-hearted sketches. I stayed silent, my left hand over my right, not even daring to breath, as she clicked her tongue, "Is this all you can do? Forget about inheriting your mother's business, you probably can't even graduate a fashion school."_

_I averted my eyes, just slightly- _I'm only eight, obaasan, you can't expect me to do anything spectacular.

If _I was as spectacular as she thought I was._

"_Terrible, terrible, terrble," she scolded, her eyes narrowing. I turned to look at her, just in time to see her grip the papers-_

_And then there was a loud ripping noise-_

"_O-Obaasan!" I cried, my eyes widening as she ripped my sketch into clean halves._

"_It's terrible; do it again, and this time," she shredded yet another paper to pieces, and threw the papers to the side, her voice malicious, "Do it _properly_."_

_I only let out a small whimper, my tears splashing onto my hands, the papers falling silently onto the cold marble ground._

I think I'm in hell. I sigh, running my tired eyes over my half-finished designs. It's well after eleven, and even those who normally stay late at the office had already left. I would've finished long ago…

…if Hikaru was done with messing with me.

"Kao-kun, let's go home! I'm sleepy!" and he practically lays onto the desk, destroying the papers for the second time. He looks at me, his eyes half-closed, slightly begging me to take him home.

I give a disappointed look at the papers, before sighing heavily, standing from my desk- if I'm lucky, I could arrive early enough and finish it tomorrow.

I stood up, shrugging on my winter coat, shoving all the papers into a stack, "Then, let's go."

"Ah, okay," and he tails quietly after me.

Quietly, and Hikaru isn't quiet.

He's loud, but lately, he's been… different.

I don't know what goes through his head at all.

I don't think I want to bother with him anymore.


	9. Smiles

-huggles Hikaru- He needs some love. x3 He has a fair share of angst too. The complementary moment with Tears.

Warning and Disclaimer: Some implications, but that's mostly because of Hikaru's damn innocence and Kaoru's mentally more mature state.

* * *

_Moment Nine-_

Smiles-

_You don't smile, Kao-kun. And... I missed your smile._

* * *

My eyelids collapse, as I lose the feeling in my legs, and collapse into what's hopefully my bed. I place my hands into the pillow, not even bothering to take off my clothes. I don't care- I have a lot more suits in the closet just waiting to be worn, and I'm just waiting until Hikaru would jump into my bed and-

"Kao-kun, you're just going to sleep like that? That's not good." I pop open an eye sleepily, scanning his annoyed posture, before sighing, sitting upright as he pulls on my wrist.

I stumble sleepily in the direction he's leading me towards, and then the door closes, and I open my eyes a bit, letting out a long sigh.

"Hikaru, just _why_ are you in the bathroom… with _me_?!" I frown, my eyes narrowing, as he walks past me, his bare feet against the white tiles, and he pulls the shower curtains open.

"… Kao-kun, you have to take a shower-"

And I stare at his blank features, his words coming out in a strange monotone whisper-

"-so I'm going to watch you," and he says it with the most no-nonsense face ever.

I just look at him, there's nothing else that I can do, "What the- Hikaru, you want to _watch_ me?"

He averts his eyes, and sighs, in the way that shows that he's very, _very_ sad, "Just shower, Kao-kun. Don't make me feel bad."

I frown, as I watch him sit onto the counter, his eyes on me, my eyes on him. And he's probably going to be there until I'm done.

I sigh long and hard, entirely ready to fall asleep in the bathroom. I undo my tie quickly, unbuttoning my dress shirt, feeling slightly awkward. Hikaru's just _looking_ at me, and he's not even doing _anything_-

"Hikaru," I turn to look at him, "Can you stop doing that?"

"Doing what?" he echoes, his innocent eyes blinking, as he pulls his legs entirely onto the counter.

"Leave, Hikaru," I give him a stern glance, and I almost expect him to retaliate like he normally does-

Instead, he just shrugs and jumps off the counter quickly, sliding the doors quietly after him.

And I just stare, at the solid door, the shirt in my grip crinkling, as I grip it harder.

It's strange that Hikaru's suddenly so quiet and compliant… I like Hikaru better when he's loud and annoying, and stubborn.

This isn't really him.

Right?

"_Stay in your room, Kaoru-kun," she commanded, and I watched as the door clicked locked, "And don't come out until I tell you to."_

_What's happening? Why's obaasan saying that? Was there something dangerous?_

_I crawled slowly off my bed towards the door, inching slowly to place my ear against the door. I could hear faint sounds- of shouting, of crying, of yelling-_

_How little did I know of the entire situation? And I still didn't know what had happened downstairs-_

_I could hear a bit-_

"_We could just let the elder inherit and you can do anything for the yours!" a foreign voice, I'm sure- but slightly familiar-_

"_No, it can't be that easily-" obaasan's angry voice, "That _brat_ of yours doesn't deserve Yuzuha's hard work."_

"_But if you're not willing to comply-"_

"_I don't want to comply! I raised Kaoru and _I'm_ the one who's deciding his future!"_

"_Oneesan!" and I heard his voice, and I widened my eyes, he's- he's crying again- "If I can't play with Kao-kun anymore, I don't want it! Just give it to Kao-kun! I don't want it!"_

_And I fingered the knob, desperate to open and see his face again, or try to make it better-_

_But I had no idea what they were talking about-_

"_Hikaru-kun, stop. This isn't for you to decide-"_

_And his sobs were still loud, and then I heard footsteps, footsteps near the stairs, running up the stairs, and suddenly something was knocked against the wall near my door, near the small corner of the hall, and I could hear the quieting chokes- and I want to open the door, shake it, to say that I was there-_

"_Kamisama, they're _twins_, you can't expect them to be able to compete against each other," the mellow voice continued._

"_But the will said that only one could inherit her company-"_

_I could hear a small whisper from him, "Then, I don't want it. Kao-kun can have it."_

_And I raked my fingers over the thick wood, my eyes closing, a small tear falling down my eye._

I blink my eyes once, twice, before I realize that one, the alarm didn't go off, two, it was already late morning, and three, _I'm in my bed without any clothes on_. And it's _freezing_ _cold._

My eyes snap to the classical clock on the wall, the time reading just ten minutes short of eleven…

Kami.

I'm late for work! I spring out of my bed, not bothering to be discreet, the towel sliding off my waist, as I search for clothes in my closet, slipping on my boxers quickly. I only had my hands on a light blue shirt, when I finally notice-

The cold's more pronounced then ever and I look around my room, my heart chilling-

"Hikaru?" I call to the empty room, but he's not there, not in bed, not lying on the floor, not anywhere-

_Kamisama, where did he go?_ My heart panics, and I tear myself away from my closet, my jacket practically hanging off of my shoulders, shirt unbuttoned, and I'm being _unrational_ and _overprotective_, but-

_Hikaru's gone_.

And it hits me even harder than before.

"_Can you smile for me, Kao-kun?" he asked, his hazel eyes looking at me, curiously._

_I blink, swinging my legs over the side of the bench, before I look away, a tint of pink on my face, "That's kind of a hard thing to do."_

_He smiled at me, his teeth glinting in the sunlight, "See, it isn't hard. I think you can be so much cuter if you smile."_

_And then, I didn't get it, but I placed a hand over my mouth, because what he just said was so… cliché-_

"_See, see, Kao-kun!" he laughed, prying my hand off of my mouth, and I found myself laughing as well, "You're smiling."_

_And he hugged me tightly, like he didn't want to let me go, and I'm smiling, because… it's the first time and last time I did._

Hikaru's definitely a strange person. Sometimes, I'd think he'd be so annoying, the next thing would be that it would benefit me… somehow. But I couldn't have guessed that he even dared to turn my alarm off, dared to put me into bed, or dared to run away after all that.

All the maids, and then the employees just stare at me as I rush towards my office. I'm adjusting my tie quickly, trying to fix my suit as quickly as possible- and my priorities are so mixed up I spent the first half hour trying to look for Hikaru, and finally I notice that I need to do my work-

_Hikaru destroyed my life_.

"Hitachiin-san," one of the secretaries say, making me screech to a halt, "I have the business reports that you've requested to be copied."

And she raises a brow as I snatch the papers from her- and it's the same papers that I was trying to finish the night before. I don't say anything as I push the glass door open, meeting a strange sight-

There are papers all over the ground, crayons scattered as they were the night before. My desk has a lot more papers then what I remember, and I cautiously make my way over to the black desk, picking up a paper from the tabletop, my eyes running over it.

It's another sketch, in a different style, and there's a lot of them- _and they look like Hikaru's scribbles_- and it's in an impeccably clean style- _it's Hikaru's. Hikaru did it._

But… I run my eyes over the rest of the office, Hikaru isn't here.

"Kao…kun?" I hear a surprised tone behind me, as I shift around to meet a someone who looks just like me, and yet, _doesn't-_

"Hikaru? You…" I say quietly, my eyes widening in surprise, and I place the paper down slowly, as he closes his mouth into a line and then curves it up slowly-

"Kao-kun, you weren't done with work, yesterday! So I tried to help, but…" and he looks timidly to the ground, "I don't think it's good…"

I don't reply. I just look at him, daring him to lie, to cover up his tracks again-

"Datte! Your sketches are so good I can copy from them!" he chirps, walking briskly over to me, picking up the same sketch that I did, and tries to search for another, "See… it looks just like…"

"It doesn't," I say, snapping him out of his rambling. His cheery face falters for a second, as I continue, "You didn't copy my style…"

"I- I-" he mumbles, his chirp gone, and then he averts his eyes, "I…"

He looks out into the windows, and I notice now- without his strange attire, he looks just like me, and his light brown hair is gelled up, like mine- and if I didn't think twice, I could've even mistakened him from me-

"I made you sad," he finally says, and he's not looking at me, leaning against the desk, "I just wanted to see what makes you happy… Gomenasai, Kao-kun…"

And I blink, finally _getting_ why he had been acting strangely last night, but, still- I thought-

"You don't smile, Kao-kun," he says, a depressed look on his face. And then, he smiles, just a little happy, a little sad, "And… I miss your smile."

And a pang hits my heart, and I look at his eyes, shock reaching my eyes- _he-he remembered?_

"I… don't like you crying, Kao-kun. So… smile? For me?" and he smiles again, asking, begging me to smile-

-but I can't, because-

_-he looks so damn sad._

I avert my hazel eyes, my mind trying to conjure up a good answer, even if I don't have one-

"Travel. I… I want to travel around Japan," I choke out, my eyes blurring, as I finally say it-

And then, his smile widens, and he propels himself off of the desk, and wraps his arms gently around me-

And I _like_ it.

"Okay," he chirps, and I can almost see his happiness radiating off his smile, "Let's go traveling!"

And I can't believe why I feel so calm when he's happy.


	10. Sketch

... Hikaru is loves. You know. xP This is the last part of Kaoru angsting; the next parts build up to Hikaru's angst. If you notice. ;P Otherwise, I said nothin'.

Warning and Disclaimer: I don't want to post this part. It's always annoying and I'm running out of things to say. Dx -whines-

* * *

Moment Ten-

_Sketch-_

_I don't like it, Kao-kun. You have to believe that._

* * *

I don't understand Hikaru anymore. As simple as he might be, he's too complicated.

"Hikaru," I say sternly and he turns to me, smiling again- waiting for me to say something, "I'm… having a job interview at two o'clock sharp," I watch him, my words slow, my hazel eyes on his depressed face- and he reads the guilt painted on my face-

"Ah! That's okay, Kao-kun! I'll go and play with Neko-kun and Ri-kun!" he chirped, standing quickly from the floor, picking up his pile of crayons and papers quickly, some wax colors hitting the black marble-

"Wait, Hikaru-" I almost want to jump over my desk and grab his wrist- and he looks at me, expectantly, small tears on the edge of his eyes.

And I really, _really_ don't have the heart of leaving him alone with people who- who-

"Hikaru, I'll… I'll let you stay," and he blinks- and if he had cat ears, I swear they could've perked up, and a large smile spread on his face. I sit myself back into my seat, as he drops everything, and gives me a bone-crushing hug. I try to struggle out of his tight grasp, only managing to choke out, "On… on a few conditions!"

And then, he lets go of me, his eyes wondering-

"Okay, first, no interruptions," I say, and he nods slowly, "And then, don't clutter the space. Don't distract me either, okay?"

He nods, a few times, before squatting onto the floor, pushing everything towards the emptier side of the room, the pile just as messy as it was before.

I sigh, running a hand through my hair, deadpanning his eager smile as he sits onto the floor, a crayon outlining on the rough yellowing paper. I prop my head on my hand- why is he still drawing on those old sketch papers? I mull, there's tons of high quality papers in the house, not even including the company. Yet…

If Hikaru was given the proper education… hell, if he already had a proper education, he could do what I could do, and that's what I don't understand. Even most of the fashion critiques thought his first sketches were good- although they were submitted under my name.

I watch him, intently, as the door creaks open-

Hikaru's… hiding something.

_She paced restlessly in front of me, as I sipped on my long-gone cold tea quietly, my book pressed towards my chest. She was angry, and I knew it. She had guests over, and I knew that they made her angry. But obaasan was always angry at me._

"_Why can't you be good, Kaoru-kun?" she fumed, crossing her arms, glaring at me, "I take you under my wing and __this__ is how you turn out?"_

_I lowered my eyes to the calm cup of the tea, the liquid shaking slightly from my unsure grip._

"_Honestly, I have no idea why I even raised you! You have to be better-"_

_-better than who? I thought subconsciously, my eyes sliding closed-_

"_I don't know what to do with you at all!" she screeched, "You're always at school, or crying over something stupid-"_

_I closed my eyes- ignore her, ignore her, ignore her- after all these years, how long was it going to take to get away from her?_

"_Or you're sulking at home, indulging in that stupid sketchbook of yours! I don't know what you see in that annoying piece of junk anyway!" she yelled, pointing fingers at me, but I simply grip the fading book closer to me, my eyes blurring a bit._

_That sketchbook was worn and yellowed, most of it's page corners were crinkled, and old. But it was the only one of my mother's possessions that I still had that obaasan had kept until I found it on my ninth birthday. I opened it quietly, my eyes scanning over my mother's unknown works, the designs always awing me since-_

"_And you always draw in it! Why wouldn't you do anything properly and actually submit it for your class, Kaoru?!"_

_Because sensei would take it away and never give it back to me._

"_Give me that!" she snatched the book out of my hand before I could protest and she raked her eyes over the designs, spitting out hatefully, "Like mother, like son. Both love to waste time of frivolities like this."_

_It wasn't frivolities, I almost wanted to say, but kept back, my hand gripping at the book, but she pulled it away from me-_

"_No, unless you actually do something worthwhile, I'll won't give it back," she said sternly, and I only look at her weakly-_

"_Obaasan…" And I cursed myself for sounding so pitiful- but that sketchbook had my mother's last memories in it- I needed it- "That's Mother's last words, please-"_

_She scoffed, and pulled it away from me, like a finality, and her frown was deep._

"_Just like your mother. Always believing in the ridiculous thing called love."_

"Hitachiin-san?"

I avert my eyes from him- ten minutes already passed?- and I look into the eyes of a young girl, probably, maybe at least as old as we are-

"Ayame-san, I believe," I nod, pulling out her application form, my eyes roaming on her college course works. I wave to the seat in front of me, "Take a seat."

She looks awkwardly around, and I notice that her eyes drift towards the quietly drawing Hikaru, but she turns back to me as I say, "So, you are applying for a fashion designing position under my company?" I ask, looking at her in the eye, "It's not that often that someone does it."

And I half-expect Hikaru to interrupt. I look at him out of the corner of my eye, and he's still quietly drawing, her reply snapping me out of my daze, "Yes, my… sensei had recommended me here… She said that my style fitted the small section that the Hitachiin company needs consolidation on."

I nod, humming in affirmation, my eyes trailing to her college papers, flipping through her rough sketches, and her more professional ones. I finger them as she sits silently in front of me, fidgeting every so often.

"They are exceptional," I say quietly, and I risk a look at her; she has a nervous smile plastered on her face, as if she's waiting for me to say something else.

"Kao-kun, it's okay-" and I blink, looking up at him- when did he come to my desk? He has a hand on the back of my chair and one flat on the desktop, and the girl's looking at both of us until, he smiles at her. He points to something in her sketches, "See, Kao-kun, a lot of people don't use this kind of cut. It's… different. It's doesn't have lace and it's very good if she wants to work for the little kiddies."

And he smiles at me innocently, as I stare-

"You don't use frilly stuff either, so it's okay!" he chirps, glancing at the both of us.

"Um… Hikaru…" I say tentatively, and then he flops back onto the floor, as if he didn't just disturb me. I clear my throat, attracting her attention away from him, "Well, like he said, it does have a unique style, and right now, I'm trying to loosen up on the amount of lace. So, you can start working next week Monday," I write up a little note, before giving it to her, "Fourth floor, down the hall, third door. You can start there."

She looks at me and looks at him, before giving me a delighted smile, bowing deeply, "Arigatoo, Hitachiin-san!" And he walks excitedly to the door, opening it, and giving another smile at me.

I simply brush my hair down, my eyes moving from the glass doors slowly to Hikaru.

"Hikaru…" He perks up slightly, turning towards me. I watch my words, "How much do you know about fashion?"

He thinks in one of those cute gestures of his before he smiles, "Oneesan wanted me to make clothes, but-" he paused, and I notice that his voice was a little strained, "But I didn't really liked it, so I made trouble."

"But you like it," I comment nonchalantly, and he flinches a bit-

"No, you don't get it, Kao-kun," he pouts cutely, blowing at my face stubbornly, frowning, his hazel eyes not meeting mine, "I don't like it. I don't like doing Kao-kun's work."

I furrow my brows- Hikaru's lying again, and I stand from my desk, pacing slowly over to his pile of sketch papers, picking up one- one that could pass off as a design- "But why do you draw it every day if you don't like it?"

He frowns, and it's the first time I saw him frown and I feel slightly guilty for asking that- "I don't like it, Kao-kun!" he closed his eyes tightly, shaking his head fiercely, "I don't like it! I don't like it! I don't like it!"

And then I blink as he ducks under my desk, and I wander towards it, watching as he curls up into a small fetal position- I frown, did I really make him sad?

"Okay, Hikaru… I get it… you don't like it…" I conclude slowly, to see him look up at me, his face full of tears, and I feel something pierce my heart as he looks away quickly-

"I don't like it, Kao-kun. You have to believe that," he mumbles quietly, "I don't like it."

"Okay, you don't like it, I believe you," I say, hoping my voice covers my skeptical tone.

"I really, really, really don't like it," he says quickly, not attempting to move out from under my desk. I sigh, standing up, looking around for something, spotting his clump of papers off to the side, I pick a clean one, and a dark orange crayon, looking at it interestingly-

It's the only crayon that he hasn't ever used-

And I crawl back over to where he's sulking, and I place the paper flatly onto the floor-

"Okay, Hikaru," I show him the orange wax, but he shakes his head. I raise my brow at him, "Draw."

He shakes his head again, his teary eyes looking at me stubbornly, "Orange is Kao-kun's color. You draw."

I frown lopsidedly, staring critically at the sheet of paper, wondering what to draw.

"When did you decide that orange is my color?" I ask, slightly curious, as I think about what to do with the yellowing paper.

"… I don't know… But I remember when I was really, really little, I always liked your color to be orange," he says quietly, his eyes set on the paper.

"Hmm? Really?" I use my crayon aimlessly, drawing something random that even I couldn't decipher, "Why?"

"Orange… is a happy color," he mumbles quietly, "I want Kao-kun to be happy."

And I nod, not saying anymore as I notice that the drawing turned into a oddly-shaped heart.


	11. Snow

Was there a good reaon why I didn't post this yet:P I really hate my plot now that i look at it, and this is just the build-up. Plus it was too short for me. So yeah. xP This is just barely a thousand words.

Warning ad Disclaimer: If you don't get it by the eleventh chapter, then I'm not saying anything else.

* * *

Moment Eleven-

_Snow-_

_"When I was little, I wanted to be born when it was snowing."_

* * *

I shiver slightly, the cold nipping at my skin, bringing the sheets towards me. I snuggle my head into the pillow, leaning slightly over to Hikaru's side of the bed- only to feel nothing.

I flicker open my eyes quickly, shooting up from the bed quickly, the icy breeze chilling me. My fully-awake eyes scanned the room- where's that breeze coming from? I shudder, as I see what exactly is letting the winter breeze fly in. I sigh, swearing about the maids who left it open, and saunter out of the comfortable bed, wandering over slowly to the window.

I scratch my head, one hand on the window latch, raising my eyes to the white snow outside. My eyes snap open-

"Kao-kun! It's snowing, it's snowing!"

"Hikaru, what are you doing?!" I gape, not knowing what to do-

Hikaru smiles at me, swinging his legs haphazardly over the ground, more than twenty feet below him, "Watching the snow, Kao-kun!" he replies happily, but I don't care.

"Hikaru, get down from there!" I grip the window sill tightly, my heart beating-

"But it's fun!"

"You'll get hurt!" I close my eyes tightly, as he smiled ignorantly at me, "Please, Hikaru, I don't want you to get hurt, Hikaru!"

"Aw…" he says quietly, and I frown, tearing away from the window quickly. I run towards the door, grabbing a coat over my shirt and pants, running down the stairs and out of the mansion, ignoring the strange looks and calls from the maids. I slip into my shoes quickly, and run along the side of the house, trying to ignore the light mist of snow falling onto me.

My breath's in a small puff, as I turn towards the very tree that I had seen Hikaru sitting in.

"Hi-Hikaru?" I pause, and two hazel eyes are set onto mine, his eyes smiling.

"Kao-kun," he pats the snow next to him, as he leans against the tree bark, and I just stare, stunned- how did he get down so fast? I sit onto the wet snow, looking questionably over his attire- a dark brown coat like mines, with a light blue scarf over it. He simply smiles, pulling me against him, making me lean onto him-

"Do you like the snow?" he asks, as the snowflakes fell peacefully. He doesn't look at me, when he brings up his leg, hugging his knee towards himself.

"Not really," I answer truthfully, my hazel eyes watching his face, his reaction, in case he overreacts again.

"I like the snow," he admits, brushing aside a stray hair, "When I was little, I wanted to be born when it was snowing."

I raise my brow, "Really?"

He nods, "My birthday's in summer, so it isn't cold."

"It's warm in June," I add a bit, rubbing my hands together, "So I don't really like the cold."

"That's why orange is for you," he says, waving his hands dismissively, "And blue is for me."

"… Oh," I nod, rubbing my hands together. I shake the snow out of my hair, as I cross my legs- it's pretty cold out.

He's silent for a while, before commenting, "We're both born in June."

I blink, moving my eyes to his, but he moves them away quickly, avoiding me- how does he know that?

He places his head into his hands, cupping his flushed cheeks, "Kao-kun, I'm your brother, right?" and he closes his eyes, and I look at him, not really knowing what he means- _if_ he means what I think he _really_ means- and he sighs, "A lot of people ask me that when you're not there."

I stay silent- shouldn't he already know? Isn't it already obvious? I shift uncomfortably, and I feel his head flop onto my shoulder, and he continues, "I don't see them asking you."

I ponder that for a while. They never did. They never did ask me about anything. I was untouchable- you never asked Hitachiin Kaoru questions.

"A lot of people give me your work to do too," he murmurs, "They call me Hitachiin-san even though they know I like Hika-kun better."

I slide my eyes closed, "But they aren't talking to you."

He shifts his position, until he's leaning almost entirely on me, "Still, don't they have something cute you call you?" his expression's hazy, and I can tell, that maybe he's not really in his right mind right now. He touches my cheek with the back of his finger, before drawing a finger down to my chin, and I'm watching him, wondering what he's doing-

"I don't know why people don't think you're a nice person, Kao-kun," he says, his eyes unfocused. He lets out a short breath before bringing himself against me, rubbing his cold cheek against mine.

"They… don't know me," I reply softly, as he threads a hand over my shoulder, his sight fixed on the snow-chilled ground.

"I don't get it," he mumbles.

I don't get it either.

"But, I don't want to get it," he brings an arm around my waist, and I flinch, startled at the sudden contact, "Because I like blue."

… I blink rapidly, his words sinking into my mind.

_What?_

He hugs me even tighter, and my heart's beating faster, the knot in my stomach tightening as his chilled fingers press me close to him, his hot breath on my cold skin.

And then I remember something that's escaped me the entire time.

"Hikaru… why did you climb up the tree in the first place?"

He makes a small grunting sound but he doesn't respond, and I lean backwards, letting Hikaru fall onto my lap, his grip tightening around my waist.

"Hikaru?" I poke at him tentatively.

He moves his mouth wordlessly, and snuggles against my stomach, and I'm absentmindedly thinking if he's finding it weird to be in this position. It takes a while for him to answer until he flickers his eyes open sleepily, and he whispers, just loud enough to pierce the quiet snow-

"I wanted to say thanks."

And I run a hand through his hair, my eyes closing, _to who?_

-


	12. Letter

... ANGST! -runs around the place- Angst, angst, angst. And I happen to know that Kaoru's reaction wasn't as bad, but... well, let's just say he's not in tune to taking care of Hikaru, 'cuz they were separated since birth. I promise he'll turn. x.x I'm finding it a hard time...

Anyway. If you caught it, then this would probably drive the last nail into that conclusion. That is, if you caught my hints, of course. (If you don't know what the hell I'm talking, don't worry; just read. :D) With this being Kaoru's POV through and through, it would be hard for Hikaru to express himself other than how Kaoru sees it. So. This is is. Hikaru's _letter_.

Warning and Disclaimer: A bit of angst, a bit of suicide contemplation (but not). T-ish for adult themes. I don't own them, 'cuz apparently, I'm not doing Kaoru's character well...

* * *

Moment Twelve-

_Letter-_

_I should be a good older brother, okaasan said._

* * *

My only day off in about two weeks and I'm stuck at home, snowed in, trying to fix my phonebook.

No, my phonebook isn't one that the county sends every year; it's the one when I had painstakingly recorded every one of the fashion corporations and the employee's phone numbers and contact addresses.

I close my eyes, heaving a great sigh as I sink into my desk chair. I run both of my hands through my hair, before sitting up right and fumbling with the broken pages.

It's all Hikaru's fault again, I know.

He was looking for something among my papers and he left most of my papers messed up. Unfortunately, he mistakenly grabbed my phonebook and flipped through it, not noticing that the binding was strained and broke.

And now, he's off goofing off somewhere else, leaving me to sew the bindings back together-

Maybe I really should've given it to a professional binding store to make it, I sigh.

"Kao-kun, here."

And I blink as he shoves a strange bottle into my face. It's… glue. That clear liquid that sticks everything together.

I blink, completely lost, "What am I going to do with that?"

He cocks his head as if he didn't hear my question, and pulls the fragments out of my hands. I simply turn to look at him, as he flips the glue bottle expertly in his hand. I watch dumbly, as he dribbles the liquid onto the bindings, and smoothing it together.

"Hikaru, that won't work," I deadpan as I pull the phonebook away from him, and wipe off the gooey substance from the papers.

"Aw, can't I do it?" he pouts, and tugs it away from me, and he grabs for the needle-

As he pushes in the needle, I widen my eyes, "Wait, Hikaru, you shouldn't-"

"Ow!" he yelps, dropping the needle somewhere on the floor, and he shakes his hand out. "Meep! It hurts! It hurts!"

"I told you, you shouldn't grab the tip!" I sigh exasperatedly, as I push myself out of the seat and wander into the bathroom. I rummage for a bit- and sometime then he stopped whimpering- and I grab the box of bandages quickly as

I rush back into the room.

He looks at me tearfully, his finger in his mouth, as if that would help the blood clot. Sighing, I take his hand, inspecting the small injury, and it's abnormally deep from where I can see it. I place a bandage on that, and glance at it-

"Okay, now?" I ask, slightly annoyed.

He nods quickly, and I settle back into my seat, sighing.

I take the needle again, and he watches intently as I continue to sew the binding back together-

"Wow! You're good, Kao-kun," he stares, his eyes on his fingers, but I roll my eyes. He smiles at me, before he ducks away, "Wait, here!"

I run my eyes over his retreating back as he runs down the hall, out of my room. I let out a long sigh as I put the phonebook back to the top of my shelf.

"Kao-kun?"

And he peeks around the doorframe, as if he's asking permission to enter. I simply grunt, and he flounces in happily.

"Can… can you do something for me?" he whispers like it's supposed to be one big secret, and I nod- I don't really have any other choice. He pushes a torn book into my hands, as he smiles at me happily, hesitation in his tone, "Um… it's broken for a long time… Can you fix it for me?"

I run my eyes over the worn sketchbook cover, nodding just slightly, "Why can't you fix it?"

"Because I can't!" and he says it like it's a fact, or a rule in life. He places a hand on his hip, his eyes begging, "Kao-kun, please, I can't do anything with it. It's broken, a lot."

He nods and then without another word, he dashes out of my room.

I sit there, my fingers running over the creases in the faded book. Well, I'm still stuck with doing something for him anyway.

The cover looks oddly familiar, I think, but I flip it open, wondering how on earth this thing is broken.

The spine isn't shattered, and the yellowing pages only affected one inch into the pages. There's a bit of dirt and dust on the cover, but everything else is pretty much intact. It has a light blue cover too, like _my old sketchbook_.

I widen my eyes, as I flip to the first page quickly, my hazel eyes running over the designs-

"Okaasan," I whisper, running my fingers over the elegantly inscribed lead. This was my mother's old sketchbook- I search the rest of the designs, but they…

I rack my memory, trying to remember the actual designs that I was poring over when I was young-

They look like they were done by the same person, but none of the sketches matches the sketches in my old book- that or my memory's rusted over the years. I flip the pages, each a dazzling design, and I'm wondering if I should dedicate a line to my mother's unpublished designs-

Suddenly, the lead's gone, and replaced with a handwriting that I've never seen before. It filled half a page- and I know, _know_ that this wasn't my sketchbook.

I run my eyes over the words that were oddly comprehensible, although somewhat fading.

_Hikaru, you might be reading this years from when I write this, but I want you to know one thing before I never see you again. First of all, I want to say happy birthday, and good luck with your studies; I might not know what you are doing now, but I still love you. Say hello to Kimiyo-san for me! I've never met her, but I'm sure she's a nice person. You should be happy. Oh, and if you ever see Kaoru, be a good big brother. I want you two to get along, so no fighting, and don't make your brother cry. Be good, Hikaru. That's all I'm asking for. You don't have to do anything else, just be good to your brother._

_If you're wondering, Hikaru, you have a twin named Kaoru, if you don't know already. It was only several days ago for me…_

The letter was oddly incomplete.

And then, I notice that half the page was ripped off a while ago. I flip through the rest of the book, but the pages are blank, empty, until I reach the last page, and another dark pencil was outlined here-

_I think I should call this my journal. My first and last entry. I know I won't ever throw this away._

_I'm Hikaru and I'm twelve years old this June 9__th__. I have a twin brother too, but oneesan never lets me see him. But that's okay. Maybe she'll let me go to that Tsuko-obaasan's estate again, and then I can climb up that tree and try to find him again._

_But that never works. Oneesan always finds me before I do. Which kind of sucks, since she has good intuition._

_I go there every year, but I only saw him once. He's kind of cute, never really smiles unless I make him, and generally a bore. But that's alright. He needs to inherit the company, I know, so I shouldn't bother him a lot. He has an important job to do, I guess._

_I feel sort of guilty now. Maybe it's because that Tsuoko-san's always locking him in the room, forcing him to study or something. Maybe it's because he's the younger one and he has to take over okaasan's business no matter what._

_Maybe it's because of me._

_Lately, oneesan's been forcing me to design too. But I don't want to. If I don't design, then Kaoru would have a better time, and he won't have to compete against me. It'll make his life easier, right? He won't have to fight to create a living again._

_I should be a good older brother, okaasan said._

_But if I continue like this, then I'm making things harder to him. I shouldn't; as elder, I should just let him have it, it's no big deal, right? I don't want the company anyway- but oneesan's not convinced. She's forcing me to do everything anyway._

_How?_

_Maybe I can stage my own death or something. That'd be interesting._

_But dying is so melodramatic, it's stupid. I want to stay with Kaoru too, though. He's nice. What else can I do?_

_What _can_ I do?_

I blink as the words sink in. They're written in another foreign handwriting, one that's kind of like mine, and then, like fragments of a puzzle they fall-

I place the book firmly onto the desk, my mind in a state of complete confusion, questions dancing through my head, taunting me, and for the first time, I'm at a complete loss.

_Hikaru…_ that's his confession if he ever committed suicide (or something), but he didn't- _why?_

How did that come from a happy, ignorant person like Hikaru? How was he convinced that he was making life harder for me? How-

No. _Why_ did he write all that?

_Why_ did he give it to me?

I stumble out of my chair, the book falling into my hand easily, as I wander towards the open door, my eyes searching for him-

If he had set this up, he should be somewhere nearby waiting-

I step out of my bedroom, looking up and down the halls, trying to see where Hikaru had gone. I can hear him- maybe- as I try his bedroom door first, my hand rattling the doorknob, and the door slides open easily.

I peek into his deserted room- his bed probably wasn't ever slept in, and I look, trying to catch any sign of him and-

I whip around quickly, as he dashes down the hall again.

"Hikaru!" I call and he stops, blinking at me innocently.

"Yeah, Kao-kun?" he says, turning around, hiding something behind his back. His smile's strained as he fumbles with the object-

I blink, and forgetting that I'm holding his sketchbook, I grab it from behind him, and then I see-

Two identical sketch books, one dustier than the other. I shift both of them back and forth, and opened the other up quickly, my heart rushing- _it's mine._ I look up at him, waiting for him to explain himself. He forces a smile-

"I had to look for it in your basement," he says, smiling again, lying again, "That… mean lady gave it to me one time. So I didn't know what to do with it."

I brush this off, and raise his book up, as his eyes widen-

"… Hikaru, why did you give me your sketchbook?"

His eyes turn big, as he watches the book, and I can almost see that he's- he's confused?

"I…" he breathes out, before taking the book from my hands, "That's mine?"

He flips it open quickly, as I watch his expression closely, and he glances at me, almost scared- He hugs it tightly to his chest, his eyes closing, before looking at me, almost imploringly, almost lost, and suddenly, I can't read it anymore.

"Y-You… read it?" he asks, and I feel a sense of nervousness tug at my heart. I nod quietly, my eyes fixed on his solemn expression. He looks down at the book, before tears collect in his watery hazel eyes-

"Kami," he whispers, and he turns into his room quickly, slamming the door closed.

"Hikaru?" I try the knob quickly, but it's locked, and I could hear his soft crying- and it's the first time he actually _cried_- my heart beats faster, as I hear no other response, "Hikaru?"

And I could hear a soft choked whisper-

"Leave me alone."

_I messed up._

I purse my lips, leaning against the door, "Hikaru…?"

"I said leave me alone," and it's stronger. My hand twists the knob again, but it doesn't work. I sigh, exasperatedly.

"Hikaru, can you at least tell me what you meant?"

"No."

"Don't I have the right to know?"

"Yes."

"So can you tell me?"

There's a long silence, and then a, "No."

I don't want to leave him alone like that.

I inhale a deep breath as I lean against the door, listening for any audible sounds.

There's none.

And I finally admit, Hikaru's confusing me. He's been confusing me since we met.

But this is the first time I can't do anything about it.


	13. Confusion

... Fwee, this is a part of three, revealing of the past, what _happened_. It's up to you to piece it together, however, whether Hikaru _really_ did attempt suicide, what Kaoru is _actually_ thinking, and _why _everything is happening as it is now. :3

Warning and Disclaimer: I do not own the twins, but I do own the meanie of a grandmother (and yes, she does appear in this). Okaasan, in this case, means mother, and not to be confused with obaasan, which means either aunt or grandma. Some swearing, and some IC Hikaru. :D Finally. (IC equals Hikaru swearing, which is why I feel it should be included in disclaimer.)

* * *

Moment Thirteen-

_-Confusion_

_Nothing's making sense anymore. And it's all Hikaru's fault._

* * *

I can't sort it out. Not by myself, and Hikaru doesn't want to let me know anything.

He never lets me know anything unless he wants me to know it.

I sigh, as I pace the courtyard of my mother's old estate, the one she left behind for the both of us, the one given to me in her will. I close my eyes, feeling as the snow touches my hair, my mind in some sort of confused turmoil. The snowflakes fall quietly, ominously, as I raise a bare hand against it, and it falls, chilling my skin. I watch my cold hand shiver, before I look up at his bedroom, and for once the lights in his room are open. They never were; he never found the reason to be in his room anyway.

He does now: to stay away from me.

My feet stomp through the snow, my cold hands retreating into my pockets.

It's been only about a month since Hikaru came into my life. He's done many things to it. He… makes me happy, for once in my life. He helps me, he forces me to comply; he warps my life, my beliefs, my everything. He makes me think of him every day.

And he… completely destroyed my life.

I used to not care about anyone or anything; any person who got in the way of my work was just an inconvenience and a waste of time to acknowledge. I didn't care what I thought was right; I just cared about whether obaasan would approve, the world would approve, and anyone would approve.

I never did think about myself.

I draw a finger through the icy snowfall, wondering what Hikaru's done to me-

He's making me question myself. I've never done that before.

Why am I letting him do this to me? Am I that easily manipulated?

Is my life really shattering in a way that I can't stop it?

I close my eyes, as I raise my face to the falling snow, the ice particles falling onto my numb face.

I don't want to think about anything anymore.

_It's too confusing._

Not about Hikaru. Not about me. Not about Okaasan.

_Nothing makes sense anymore._

Not about _anything_.

And it's all Hikaru's fault.

Nothing's right anymore.

And right now, in my ice-cold, frozen wintry land, I hear something, the sound of tires, crunching against the snow, far away, but still there, still there. A slam, footsteps, I can hear it, crisp against my ears.

"_Call Hitachiin Kaoru for me. We need to talk-"_

My mind subconsciously blocks it.

The door opens, women, talking.

"_Hitachiin--sama isn't in his room, Tsuko-sama."_

"_Well, where is he?"_

I can hear more voices, more steps, walking, and I feel the ground letting me fall, my feet collapsing. My back hits against the frozen ground, and I'm almost paralyzed, numb, and I don't know what to do anymore.

Snow touches my chilled lips, as my eyes turn towards the gray clouds, the white snow circling above me.

"_I don't know, Tsuko-sama."_

"_What do you __mean__ you __don't__ know?! Aren't you supposed to know where your master is at all times?!"_

And I can hear, faint yelling, more yelling, and my mind's gone too far to even comprehend what the voices are saying-

"_Well, Tsuko-san, um, Hitachiin-sama didn't say any- but! But, the other Hitachin-sama is here. I'll get him for you. Hitachiin-sama! Visitor!"_

"_What's- Tsuko-san?! What the hell are you doing here?"_

"_What am I doing here? Hikaru, what have __you__ been doing?"_

And then I can hear it- Hikaru's voice- crashing sounds- I don't know why, but I close my eyes quietly, hoping, waiting for the calm peaceful snow takes me over and I know what to do with him-

My breaths slow as more snow falls onto me. I open my eyes slightly, looking into the sky, looking at Hikaru's familiar window- and it's dark again. I close my eyes again, as I lay, immobile, the wind's picking up.

And then, I hear them even more clearly-

"-you good-for-nothing brat! You've been playing Kaoru, haven't you?!"

"No, I wasn't! I was only following okaasan's will!"

"Her _will_, Hikaru, was for you to stay clear out of Kaoru's life! You practically destroyed the company with your distractions!"

"No, I didn't! I'm not distracting Kaoru! So maybe the company's in a low time right now, but at least Kaoru isn't overworking himself to death!"

"Overworking?! He can handle the company's finances fine, if _you_ aren't here!"

"Are you saying that I'm an impediment to his life?!"

And the answer is quick, unhesitant.

"Yes."

There's a long silence, as I see my breath crystallize above me.

"Kaoru's never complained about it though…" a trailing timid comment.

"That's why he's much more successful than you are."

"That's-! Tsuko-san!"

"Where's Kaoru anyway? I have to talk to him."

And then it clicks- the person who's talking to Hikaru. My breath shudders.

_Obaasan._

I don't feel anything anymore.

_The snow was falling, but I couldn't feel the icy coldness touching my bare skin. It was dark all around me, the void collapsing again and again. It was just…nothing._

_It was as if everything had disappeared but me._

"_Kaoru… don't blame him."_

_I turned my head towards the foreign voice, but I couldn't see anything. The voice came again, but this time from behind me._

"_It's his way, his habit."_

_I turned around quickly, fright tugging at my heart. Through the misty fog, there's something silhouetted against the darkness, a woman, a smile-_

_My breath stopped as I recognized the familiar features from an age-old photograph._

"_Okaasan?"_

_She didn't seem to recognize my call, but she continued, solemn sympathy on her face, "Guilt can destroy people… And you know, it's not his fault."_

_She gave me an enigmatic smile, her hands grasping mine. My eyes widened at her words, as her presence became a small mist, lacing through my fingers._

'_It's… not his fault, Kaoru.'_

_Shakily, I grip her slim fingers, my eyes moistening as I fought against my tears._

_It's too hard, too hard to believe her._

_Because it_ is

"Hikaru?" my eyes flutters open slightly. The darkness fades into a dark gray, a glowing ceiling light piercing my blurry sight. I struggle out, my voice raspy, "Where's Hikaru?"

If I wasn't convinced before, I know my life has been destroyed by that single word.

"Hikaru's outside," came a sharp voice from my left side, as I glance towards my left, and then, I'm wondering, _where am I?_ She narrows her eyes, almost _reading_ my mind, "You're in Hikaru's room right now."

I avert my eyes slightly, mouthing a silent, timid, "oh." I scan the walls curious, and there's something _off _about it. And then I see it, several paintings are askew, and the maids are crouched over the floor, sweeping broken glass. The young women were whispering to each other, in an undertone marked as "gossip."

_They were fighting._

I close my eyes slightly, almost imagining the scene. Vases shattering, things flying, words cutting.

Almost cautiously, I sweep my eyes back towards the elderly woman, her lips in a tight frown. She was like I remembered from just several weeks ago: a fierce expression, laced hands, and an air of superiority. Obaasan was like that to every one of her sons and daughters, and yet, I knew, deep down, she loved all of them.

And even though, she never showed it: she cared for me. But that was then.

But now, as I'm a Hitachiin, and not Tsuko, she hates me.

Not moving from her position, she comments, offhanded, critical, "The Kaoru I remember wouldn't let himself lie outside in freezing cold temperature without adequate clothing."

I don't flinch. I just shift my eyes to look at her folded hands, my voice soft, "I… was thinking…"

"Hikaru's distracting you; and if you haven't noticed, the finances of your business are going unregulated," she states heatedly, and her perfume's invading my sense, and I can't stand it.

"Shut up, obaasan," I sigh lightly, bringing my hand up to rub my temple, "Hikaru isn't bad…"

"Oh, are you on his side now?" she asks icily, her brown eyes looking straight at mine, "Don't you _know_?"

I blink, lowering my hand, as I struggle slightly to sit up, to look at her, my eyes wondering- and for the first time, I don't back down from her serious face.

"Don't you know? Hikaru has quite a history," she says sophisticatedly, one of her legs crossed over another. She leans back into her chair, her voice eerily articulate, "His guardian, Kimiyo-san, _poor soul_, died three months ago, just months before his custody was transferred to you. Her husband had gone over to the states in a business endeavor. Hikaru was the only one home at the time. Word is," she crosses her hands over each other, before looking up at me, "He killed her."

My breath catches.

"There's no evidence," I protest, stubborn, not even know _why_ I'm defending him. She shook her head, and her nonchalance's scaring me-

"Of course, she could always die from madness. The case is at a dead end and the witness isn't saying anything substantial. But that's not what I came to tell you about," and I just look at her, my eyes wide, disbelieving. She directs a glare at me, directly, her voice stern, "Don't involve yourself anymore. He's not what he seems."

I open my mouth to retort, but I close it when I can't find the correct words.

And it's the only words that occupied my mind.

"I don't get it then," I blink, before looking towards the door, and I'm sure that he's behind it. I say, my voice quiet, timid for asking _her_ such as question, "Why give me his custody then?"

"Hikaru's always had a soft spot for you, they said. If he really did kill her, you'd be the first he'd tell," she says slyly, as I watch her bony fingers clasp and unclasp. My stomach squirms, as I try to slide off the bed-

"I want Hikaru in here," I say, my eyes averted from her sharp, taunting ones. But it's like he heard me even then-

"Kao-kun!" the door blasts open as I see him bounding towards me, his face concerned, "Are you alright? You were lying in snow, I was worried!"

I hear obaasan scoff at his tone, but I turn my eyes to him, nodding, "I'm… fine."

He smiles, a relieved smile, "That's good, because… because evil lady here wouldn't let me see you." He sticks his tongue out at her, and she glares at him, before standing from her chair and stomping off towards the door.

I move my eyes to both of them, as the door slams shut. My eyes linger over a dark red scratch along his neck, but Hikaru smiles his "don't worry" smile.

"Are you alright?" I ask, my voice slightly raspy. He blinks a for a while, before smiling-

"That doesn't matter right now," he says, pushing me onto the bed, "You're tired. You need some rest, Kao-kun."

"But, there was yelling- were you-?"

I didn't get to finish as he hums a loud tone _(purposely ignoring me)_ and places the sheets over me again, "You're kind of sick, so sleep."

"Hikaru," I say firmly, but he shushes me and gives me a smile-

"You're going to get more sick. Sleep, Kao-kun."

I simply sigh as I close my eyes, and I can hear in the back of my mind, his voice, dropping his innocent tone-

"You don't have to worry about her. I can handle Tsuko-san myself."


	14. Fault

...So I got really lazy and didn't bother to post this yet. D: This is the second part in conjunction with thirteen, and the fifteenth will end all this angst. Be happy. (The story's not ending yet, though.)

Warning and Disclaimer: Talk of suicide, murder, and blah. Note that Hikaru still has that immature voice when talking about serious things. I don't own the twins and I don't own the oneesan... actually I do. I don't like killing anime characters.

Btw, I shall shamelessly advertise the forum link I have in my profile. Check it out and help our community grow:D I don't want it to die yet. :D

* * *

Moment Fourteen-

_Fault_

_...because by his standards, everything's his fault._

* * *

He's guilty for something. I don't get it myself, but that's what I see in him now, with all his masks removed- pity, sadness, and everything he isn't. 

"Do… Do you need help, Kao-kun?" he cocks his head, perched atop a stool, as I walk towards my dresser. I shake my head, but the cold of the floor tiles are getting to me, and I sneeze, shivering slightly. He rises from his seat, "Are you sure?"

"I'm not a baby," I grumble, as he places his hands on my shoulders. I pull out another change of clothes, before pulling off my pants, before remembering that he's in the same room as I am-

"Kao-kun, can I help now?" I stiffen as his breath stains my neck. "Please?"

"Can you give me some personal space, Hikaru?" I say, giving him a strict eye, but he brushes it off, as I launch into a coughing fit. He catches my arms and pulls my shirt off, and then he pauses, doing nothing. I look at him, questionably- what's he doing? I follow his gaze, and suddenly I see the something that I've ignore for my entire life-

"Kaoru…"

He trails a finger along the scar, like he's testing it or something. He looks at me for a second and he doesn't know what to do again-

"S-Stop it, Hikaru," I pull away, rubbing subconsciously at the small scar dashing across my side, "It's nothing. It was there since I was born, alright?"

His expression changes, his eyes darkening.

"It almost killed you, Kaoru," he whispers, abandoning his innocent tone.

My eyes widen, as he grabs me and pushes me towards the bed, throwing the sheets over me again. He walks casually away, leaving me as he paces towards the door, calling back to me, "I'll go ask them for more blankets."

I shiver slightly, all my clothing gone- and it's not normal that I don't have anything to wear to sleep. I grab a handful of sheets towards me, pulling it as Hikaru dumps more blankets on the bed. He spreads it out quietly, avoiding my gaze.

After he's sure that I'm comfortable and warm, he sits on the side of the bed, not really looking at me, not really doing anything. I'm waiting, wondering, _how does it know about it when even __**I**__ don't?_

He's delaying whatever he wants to say and I know he wants to say something because he didn't already _leave_.

He plays with his fingers for a while, before sighing and looking at me, downcast.

"Did you know we're brothers?"

My breath catches, and I nod, wishing that he'd stop asking me these _things_ already- I don't like it-

"I never told you, and you never said it," he says, turning away, "But I knew we're twins. And you know we're twins."

He leans backwards, looking at the ceiling, distractedly-

"So do you… know how we were born?"

_Yes_, I mentally answer, twitching slightly under my sheets, and-

"Okaasan… died from massive blood loss a day after she gave birth to identical twins," he states, not looking at me, fingering a stray piece of blanket. I just watch him, my eyes open, and I'm not really sure if I should really believe him. He wipes at his eyes before continuing, "There was difficultly in the birth procedure, and the second child almost died from suffocation. The scar…"

He runs his eyes over me, before averting his eyes, "It's small now… But it made a big difference between life and death. Said child was in critical condition for several days succeeding the mother's death."

He places his head on his hands, bringing his legs onto the bed, his voice distant, "Most doctors believe that the first child had set off a chain reaction. It was supposed to be a smooth birth… but something went wrong then. Said child destroyed something along the way, thus almost killing his yet unborn twin and then his mother."

"Stop talking, Hikaru," I mumble, but it doesn't look like he's heard me.

"It's my fault okaasan died… My fault you almost died," he whispers, "But you know… it's my fault that oneesan died too."

And after thinking about it all, it _is_.

And I don't get why I don't like it when I fully agree with him.

Hikaru mumbles restlessly, incoherently, until I grab a hold of his sleeve. He blinks, looking at me but not really looking at me, and I'm desperate for him to at least answer me-

"How did she die?"

"Oneesan?" I nod in confirmation. He averts his hazel eyes again, and I bite my lip, hoping he wouldn't _lie_.

… But when did he ever _lie _to me?

"She died, falling off the roof of the house," he says hollowly, his eyes distant, "She was getting worried about me, that I was spending too much time up there, and," and he laughs, but it's not his usual carefree one, "-she should've. After two suicide attempts."

"Ka-kami, _your_ suicide attempts?" I repeat, just as emptily as he did.

He nods, although it's anything but eager, or like the normal Hikaru, "It's my fault, she was trying to stop me, but I don't know what happened, but… she just fell."

"So you didn't kill her?" I ask him, tentative, and this time he looks at me with disbelief, fright-

"No, of course not! Well, not _really_!" he throws up his hands, turning away from me quickly, "I didn't kill her! I didn't drive her mad! It was an accident!"

I watch him, and my heart feels crushed every time he says it.

"But…" he quiets down, his hand on his head, his voice shaky, "I know why… It… It was my fault."

And I sit up, wondering what he means- because by his standards, everything's his fault-

_It's not, really._

"If I wasn't there, then she wouldn't have died. She would have had kids. She would've lived happily ever after," he mumbles, his tone almost like he's in a trance. "If I wasn't ever born, then okaasan wouldn't have died, and Kao-kun wouldn't have gone with that- that… that _woman_. She would've lived normally, and Kao-kun could've lived normally too."

He averts his eyes away from mine, as I sit up quietly, watching his moves, watching what else he's hiding-

"And you know, this is my fault too. Tsuko-san was right," he whispers quietly, "I'm making life living hell for you."

"No, it's _not_, it's not your fault," I say quickly, as if he would stop thinking about all this and turn back into the Hikaru I knew. But he's not listening, completely ignoring me.

"So that's why I've decided…"

"I don't want to hear it," I retort, crossing my eyes. He just looks at me and smiles.

"It's alright, because then, tomorrow, when you get better and you're not sick, I won't annoy you anymore."


	15. Bye

After a loooong delay, I present to you the last sucky and short chapter before everything is all happy again... Oops. I wasn't supposed to say that.

Btw, since it was uber short, notice some repitition and my attempts to make it longer... ah, wells, it's written, and the last angsty chapter you'd have to see. Third part to the angst.

Warning and Disclaimer: Hikaru's strange personality; Kaoru's confusion... and their dramatics. I do not own them, once again, or else ths would never happen.

* * *

Moment Fifteen-

_-Bye_

_But it's really happening. And it's really a nightmare._

* * *

He's not leaving me. After all that, he's not really leaving me.

…Right?

And I can always see, that he has this sort of neutral smile on, and he'd sit in the front courtyard in front of the large sakura tree. And it's eerie because he's not bothering me.

This isn't Hikaru. This is someone who's controlling Hikaru's actions and manipulating him into thinking that everything is his fault-

Hikaru isn't a person who's supposed to be depressed.

The window's open, and I peer down into the courtyard, and things are scattered around the front lawn, like a suitcase, as my heart tightens- he's not really leaving… right?

He can mean many things- and in his extent, he can kill himself, or he can just leave and I'll never see him again.

In every possibility, it's a nightmare.

And he's leaving me.

And it's scaring me that I _don't_ want him to leave me.

"Kao-kun, I want to give you something." I blink, turning from the window to his figure in the doors. He's holding something, and he runs up to me and smashes the pink fabric into my face. He walks a little away from me, smiling almost blissfully, "Take care of Usa-chan for me, onegai. Usa-chan needs to brush his teeth morning, lunch, and after dinner. He likes strawberry cake the best, and after that, French vanilla cookies."

He stands in front of me, and for once he has a normal coat on, looking _normal_, and he begins to list out things, "Don't overwork yourself, get enough sleep, and the supermarket's on the corner on main street. There's an ice cream stop just down the corner if you want to eat that, and a lot of places sell pocky. The cookies you can always get on the fourth floor. And-And…"

I'm silent, as I look at the plush rabbit, and look back to him, "Hikaru… you…"

He cuts me off, as he bows deeply, mumbling, his voice cracking, and his eyes are obscured for just a second, "I'm sorry for everything… I… I won't bother you anymore. Bye, Kaoru."

And in an instant he leaves, and I can clearly see- _tears_, tears are falling, but I'm simply confused, as the door slams closed, leaving me _alone-_

But it's really happening.

And it's really a nightmare.

And he's right; now that he's gone, I can live a normal life all over again. He'll be a thing of the past- like he was years ago, and I'll just be confused until I push everything away again and live, an emptiness in my heart, like I always have.

I stare at the rabbit for a second, before my grip on it grew tight, and salty, warm drops fall down my cheeks, as I hug it close to me, my voice quiet in the empty room, the _too_ empty room.

"Bye, Hikaru."

I can't stop him; it's his decision, not mine.

But my tears, my nightmare doesn't end, even after he's gone.

"_Hikaru-kun!" I heard a shout, and I turned my eyes towards a woman, running up to the both of us. I saw him tense up slightly, as she reached over and grabbed his small shoulders, her voice breathless, "Hikaru-kun, we're going home. Now."_

_His eyes widened, before he pulled stubbornly away from her, "No! I want to play with Kao-kun!"_

"_Gomene, Hikaru-kun. But you can't play with him anymore," and she picked his five-year-old body off the ground with great difficultly-_

_-and from behind a tree, I watched, dazed, wondering, my eyes just as wide-_

_I just had my new friend too. No, he couldn't go!_

_-and he's crying, and squirming, "It's not fair, it's not fair!"_

"_Hikaru-kun, it can't be helped," she said, and she sounded genuinely sad, and his crying lowered into sobs, as he buried his face into her shoulder._

"_Hika-kun?" I called out, confused, coming from my hiding place- and I almost want to run, to grab his hand in mine, and we could play again-_

_He blinked, then looked up, tear trails running down his cheeks, as he brought a hand up weakly, his voice soft, "Bye, Kao-kun."_

_And I stood still, my hand still trying to reach out, as I whispered, "Bye."_

_It was the day when my child's innocence was broken._

_The day I thought about the smiles and the tears._

_And… if I smiled just to be happy, why was it that someone took it away?_

_Why smile at all?_


	16. Hitori

Forgive me; we're having short chapters again. ;-;

Anyway, who saw this coming? (Since like, the second moment.) Those who would know would remember how I might resolve it all. :P Btw, it's not over yet.

Warning and Disclaimer: I don't own Kuma-chan or Usa-chan, but I do own what sucks here. D: So forgive me and this weird story; it's almost done anyway.

* * *

Moment Sixteen-

_Hitori_

_Being lonely and being alone are two different things._

* * *

One is a lonely number. So is being one person against the world. 

Something strange came in the mail yesterday. Some great lump with no return address or sender name.

But somehow, I know who sent it. Because he sent something else before that-

His designs, some commentary saying how bad his designs are, and _I'm sorry_ scribbled on top of a white stationary with a small star labeled _Hikaru_.

At least I know he's still alive, still out there somewhere.

I've grown a habit of bringing Usa-chan everywhere with me, like a constant reminder of him, of Hikaru. Employees are now used to seeing me alone, they know something happened between us, but I don't say a single word, _they never asked me anything anyway_. I just do my work, regulate the finances, and the entire company's as stable as I want it-

_But then again, it's nothing now._

It's almost the holidays, and slowly all the papers I've accumulated over half a year are slowly diminishing. Maybe it's because I don't have to draw a lot of designs- Hikaru sends a lot of them in- and I have time to actually dedicate to the financial and business stocks.

But now. There's no one here.

No one to keep me company. No one to worry about. No one to help me. No one to force me to sleep by midnight.

Being alone and being lonely are two different things.

I've known that my entire life-

I was always alone. But when he came, I finally noticed that I was lonely all along.

He had filled that gap, and he left an even bigger on in his wake.

His presence was bittersweet. When everything seemed to go wrong, everything was actually going right.

Hikaru _destroyed_ my life.

And yet, at the same time, he also restored it.

I rub at my eyes, as another secretary comes in and takes some papers out. I lean against my chair, sighing, my eyes closed- my heart twisting as I think back, about how he's doing right now, what he's doing right now, and the promise he never made to me but said that we would travel.

He promised to make me smile.

He didn't _promise_. But it felt like that. It still feels like that.

My eyes wander to the small pile of papers, and I notice that I haven't unwrapped that strange lump yet.

I take it in my hands and I inspect it, there are traces of ice cream smears on it and a vanilla scent wafting out. I almost want to laugh, imagining that he was wrapping this while eating ice cream. I carefully peel off the tape on the wrapping paper, as the package unravels itself, and I just stare at it for a second-

It's a _bear_; a freakin' _bear._

Hikaru gave me a _bear_.

There's a note attached to it too- _Kuma-chan wants to be with Usa-chan, Kao-kun._

And this time I smile, I just smile easily-

_But Hikaru's not here to see it._

I drop my smile just as quickly and place the stuffed bear next to the stuffed rabbit on my desk, as they both peer at me with their artificial button eyes.

I lower my eyes as I shuffle for more work to do. There's only several folders left, and I pull one randomly from the stack-

_Hitachiin Yuzuha's Will_

I look at it blankly, my mind reeling.

… Did I ever read it?

I blink as I pull the stiff official looking papers from the envelope. I scan it quietly, trying to see if I read this before, and something catches my eye-

… _both heirs to the Hitachiin company shall be Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin, under the conditions that they have worked together for at least two months. It goes under the custody of a capable Hitachiin until both heirs are able to co-head the company…_

And I ram my head into the table repeatedly- repeatedly- repeatedly-

"Hitachiin-san?"

-and again and again and again.

"Go… go find Hikaru," I breath out when I feel like I had considerable punishment, "Now."

She blinks at me and scuttles out of the door quickly, as I run a hand through my hair, looking through the papers again, going even more in depth-

None of this would have to happen if we found out about this long ago-

None of this would have to happen if we just knew what they had cut out long ago-

And it's my fault.

_I feel like a total idiot._

Tiredly, I look at the name of the lawyer in charge of this case- _Fujioka_. I pressed in numbers into my cell phone, before raising it to my ear-

"_Fujioka Law, may I help you?"_

"Yeah, this is Hitachiin Kaoru," I say into the phone, before standing up quickly, "I just want to know if the will that you had done several months ago still applies now."

I hang up with her just ten minutes later, and I groan, collapsing onto the table, my fists clenching tightly. Just wait until he comes back into the office, and I can see him again, and he won't be so annoying since he doesn't have to put on an _act_ anymore-

"Et-Etto," the secretary peeks into the door, and I almost shoot up from my seat. She shuffles into the office a little more, her nervous black eyes darting everywhere, "I had to shift through piles of contact numbers to find his workplace…"

I space a little- I didn't even know where he worked.

"And… he flatly refused," she ends, and she darts out of the room, to my disbelieving gaze.

_He… doesn't want me back?_ That's…

I shake my head, before taking a deep breath, falling onto my chair.

Hikaru… I frown slightly, and I don't know _why _he doesn't want to bother me anymore.

If it's about work, I'm fine. If it's about me, then I'm fine. If it's about anything else, then I'm fine, but _why can't he see that?!_

I let out a long sigh, before trying to formulate something to convince Hikaru that he isn't being a hindrance to me.

_Because he's not_.

And I'm determined- for the first time, I'm determined to do something that I want to do-

I want Hikaru back _now_.

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

I don't want to be one person.


	17. Rejection

This was to be two separate filler chapters, but I wanted to screw that and post two at the same time. I don't like these chapters, but w/e. An almost in character Kaoru, and almost in character Hikaru. -whistles- Two more moments to go.

Warning and Disclaimer: Nothing to warn, and I don't own Ouran.

* * *

Moment Seventeen

-_Rejection_

_And he says it so casually and calmly that I'm shot down again._

* * *

I've taken the liberty of dragging myself out of the house.

I've gone to many different snack stands, _crepes, cookies, ice cream, _but it _still _doesn't seem like Hikaru's with me. I trod quietly through the snow-covered ground, my feet taking me to places I've been before with Hikaru- to the street corner, the pocky shop, but…

I still can't find Hikaru.

It's been more than three weeks since Hikaru had said goodbye. I'm not accepting it.

There's so many things that he's left unsolved.

Every day he had been with me, what had he been thinking?

I curl my hands into a fist, my eyes scanning the desolated streets, clear of any sane people who don't want to catch a cold today. I close my eyes, thinking, organizing the scattered thoughts.

His smiles were always forced, like he wants me to be happy, but he isn't.

He allowed me to call him Hikaru, while he forces everyone else in the company to refer to him as Hika-kun.

And…

He's always sad, and now, I know why.

The wind tugs at my coat, but I ignore it as I walk down the pebble trail, my hands clenched tightly in my pockets.

I blink, stopping, my hazel eyes finding something strange at the foot of the tree.

Three gloves, two cookies, and one bird.

I stare at it for a bit, before squatting down, wrapping my arms around my knees.

The small bird pecked at the cookie a bit, and then nibbled at the crumbs that fell off. I watched it quietly, the wind chilling my face.

"You know, Kao-kun, I never really liked birds."

I blink, surprised, before turning towards him, my eyes widening-

He doesn't smile, nor frown at my notice, but he mimics my stance, his eyes fixed on the lone bird.

"When I went to visit Tsuko-san's estate, I wanted to share two cookies with you," he mumbles, not looking at me, "But the bird stole it when I wasn't looking."

And then, my mouth opens, almost dropping, and it clicks-

"It's foot got stuck on the plastic, so when it flew somewhere, I tried to follow it."

He sighs, before standing up, "But then I didn't hate it anymore. It did what I couldn't do. I respect birds now."

I turn back towards the bird, and then, I remember what's he been telling me-

_**That**__ was where the cookies came from. _

"But, Hikaru-" I call out, but he ignores me. I stand up quickly, before following his pace, "Hikaru, wait, where are you going?"

"Back to work," he murmurs, before ducking through the snow-covered branches, and I follow, my breath erratic, and then, he's gone.

And I just stare, and he's out of sight and gone-

_And I failed._

And like everything else, tears begin to well up in my eyes- and I can't believe that I couldn't stop him-

He was there, but he didn't come back to me.

He _didn't want_ to come back.

* * *

I stare at it quietly, wondering if I should go into this unknown place without anyone to force me.

I don't _have_ to go inside.

I don't _need_ to go inside.

It's this… unimportant clothing shop, anyway. With tons of clothes on racks upon racks, and tons of random stuff strewn around. I frown slightly; it's too messy to be a brand named store, so why should a Hitachiin grace its steps and ent-

"Excuse me!"

A mop of brown hair passes my view.

My heart quickens, as I turn to stare at the person's retreating back, almost hopefully. Is it Hikaru?

I blink once, before averting my eyes quickly- of course not, I swallow, a strange feeling that I can't place welling up in my stomach, because, well, _Hikaru's not coming back_.

I turn away from the shop, from the person who I wished was Hikaru, from the busy crowded streets. I set my pace into a calm walk, as I sigh, my heart sinking even lower, the people thinning out from around me.

I finally notice it: Hikaru's… well, been a blessing, almost. He showed me things that I never knew: that I couldn't live life hiding, that I couldn't live life without smiling, that I couldn't live life alone.

I couldn't really live life without him.

He's like a cookie. Sometimes he can be sweet if he's raised the right way, sometimes he can be burnt and black if he's left in the oven for too long-

And well, I like cookies; I like to bake them, and watch them cook, and then eat them-

I slam my head against the near pole. Involuntary tears well up in my eyes. People are beginning to stare.

I don't care; I _needed _to stop thinking literally, because my own thoughts are getting disgusting-

_slam_

And somehow, I'm extremely clumsy without Hikaru around to help me.

"Gomenasai!" a startled voice calls to me as I try to ignore that I've just been slammed onto the hard concrete street. Concerned hazel eyes look me over as I stand up, my head going in circles and then-

"Kao-kun, it's you, what are you doing here?" and the voice is so _familiar_ I can't place where I heard it before.

"What am I doing where?" And I'm confused, as I rub at my head.

I feel a firm hand on my forearm, as he drags me somewhere, and I'm not sure because all he says is, "Let's get you out of sight for now. Hitachiins are famous among most commoners."

I blink, my sight fuzzy, and then, I notice something extremely _unfamiliar_.

Flour.

"Oh, hi," I say blankly, not understanding why there's a bag of flour in front of me.

"No, Kao-kun, here," I feel that same pressure on my hand as I turn around.

I daze out for a while, and then the sight comes to me, flour covered apron, a cookie littered tray, brown hair, hazel eyes- I widen my eyes.

"Hikaru, what are you-"

"Good! You recognize me!" he smiles, like he's relieved.

Ad I blink, something not settling right with me (_recognize, not remember_), but there's more pressing matters, like-

"Why are you wearing an apron?" I deadpan as he faltered slightly, my eyes examining the messed-up tray in his hands, "And why do you have dirt covered cookies?"

"I'm-I'm working, Kao-kun," he says, averting his nervous hazel eyes. He points dismissively outside the baking store, where birds were sniffing at dropped cookies, and some children were picking them up off the floor, "And you bumped into me."

"But why are you working at a _bakery_?" I almost want to shout, yell, irriation-irritation, but it comes out like a timid stutter.

He raises a brow, and states, as if it's normal, "Birds need to be fed."

I blink, and I can't find anything else to say to him.

"Oh."

And he walks past me, no more words needing to be said. I follow his movements, his placing the tray on the counter, and picking up another, as he packages the chocolate chip cookies into small translucent bags.

And I watch, my hands sliding into my pockets, as I finally notice something-

"Hikaru?"

_Hikaru's avoiding me now._

He doesn't answer and pretends to not hear me. Something defensive swirls through my body.

"Hikaru, why did you leave?" I ask quietly, my voice not as strong as I'd like to be.

"You wanted me to," Hikaru responds, looking at me as if it was impossible otherwise, that it was all my fault anyway.

… Was it?

"Are…" I fisted my hands together, holding onto my resolve with the last strings of my confidence. I take a deep breath and looked into his eyes, questioning, hoping, "Are you going to come back?"

He turns away again, his voice defeated, distant, scared, "Not if you don't want me to."

And I feel a flicker of hope, lightening up slightly, "Well, then, you…"

He just passes me again, ignoring me, and the flicker dies out, the words not coming out. My lips move wordlessly, almost scared that he might deny me again-

No, Kaoru! If you want him back, then you'll have to stern and resolute and-

"I'm going back to work, Kao-kun, so don't bother me."

And he says that so calmly and casually that I'm shot down again.

I grimace, shooing myself out of the small store.

_Why does Hikaru have to be this difficult?_


	18. Kaoru

Okies. So. I was distracted for a while. xP This is sorta the non-official end and all. The next one a kind of the epilogue of it all.

Warning and Disclaimer: I don't own the twins at all, and I don't own the props I mentioned in this one. Cookies for those who find them though. :D

* * *

Moment Eighteen-

_-Kaoru_

_"Do you really think I like to answer to Kao-kun, to Kaoru-kun, to Hitachiin-san?"_

* * *

I don't get it.

I really don't.

I remember everything that he has done with me, for me, and I can piece together _why_ he does everything, but I don't _understand_.

Why _me_? Why Kaoru, the aloof, workaholic fashion designer who hates trouble and annoying people?

I stuff my chilled hand deeper into my pockets, a cold breath expelling in front of my face.

Why _him_? Why Hikaru, the child-like, immature twenty-three year old who loves to mess around with the world?

My lips are tugged into a deep frown, as I close my eyes, shielding them from the regular cold of the street air.

Why does he _do_ things for me?

That time: it's like he knew that I was tired, that I was sleepy, that I normally slept at three in the morning.

That time: it's like he knew that I was addicted to pocky since I first tasted it, but never ate it since.

That time: it's like he _knew_ me inside out, _like a normal brother would_.

He knows me, and yet I don't him.

I sigh, a depressed feeling welling up in my stomach. My eyes blank, I sit myself on a random bench on the side of the street, not caring whether or not people were being inconsiderate and playing pranks on me.

I don't know him. I don't know Hikaru.

I saw how animated he was when he was drawing his slyly disguised sketches within his scribbles, and how much he really loved designing. And yet, I crumbled when he just frowned and started _crying_ that he didn't like it. I saw how much he really knew- _but I never said anything_- I saw his sketchbook, I saw his letter, his _confession_, everything-

And then, his masquerade cracked and I knew that I shouldn't have asked him, should have left him and continued on with having no idea about what Hikaru was thinking and doing.

_I'm not being a brother to him._

He was weaving a web of lies over me, orchestrating a happy-blissful-_tragic_ fairytale around us.

And when I finally noticed, everything broke.

It's all my fault.

And he broke, because I _believed_ her. That he was playing with me, that he was lying to me, that he was really just an insane psychopathic nutcase _which he really ever isn't-_

I shift my eyes towards the street lamps, pausing as I cross my left leg over my right, an unnerving feeling in my heart as I try to think this over.

And he left, because he believed her. That he was annoying me, that he was making my life hell, that I was failing because of him, that I _hated_ him since the beginning-

_But I don't. I always loved him._

I blink once, as a small smile creeps onto my face.

And that's it; that's why I always tolerated him, that's why I never said that I hated him, that's why I _let_ him push me around.

I stand up from my seat, turning back towards the bakery.

But this time, I'm not confused; I know why he left, I know why I want him back, I know why I can't say anything against him.

I just… I curl my gloved hand into a fist, my eyes scanning the crowds, never did notice that Hikaru's left me something when he left.

And that's what would bring him back.

_His stubbornness_.

Which is now mine.

* * *

My hand's set onto the glass door, before pushing it open.

He blinks, and looks at me, almost confused to as why I'm there, his hands pausing in the motion of sweeping the tiled floors.

"Kao-kun? May I help you?" he says, in such a timid, unassuming way that I almost falter. He just smiles, in that "you're a customer so I have to be nice to you" smile, not that "I'm going to bother you right now!" smile that I'm always used to. He cocks his head, placing his broom aside, "Do you want cookies, Kao-kun? Or do you want some bread as a snack or something?"

_I've never stood up for what I believed in._

I take a deep breath before wandering into the store, the door tinkling shut. My hazel eyes scan the counters along the walls, small cookies and cakes lining the surfaces. But I didn't come for that.

"Hikaru, I really, _really_ want you to stop this," and it's quiet, like I don't want him to hear and hear anyway.

"Stop what?" he says, almost innocently, but I know he knows what I mean.

"I don't want you doing this anymore-"

"But I have to," he cuts in, and I'm shocked for a while, before he turns away from me, grabbing the broom aggressively.

I don't say anything as he begins to ignore me again, and a sense of irritation pokes me into action-

"But you don't have to."

"Do too," he stubbornly asserted, not meeting my eyes.

"It's not an obligation, Hikaru," I retort, crossing my arms, my eyes catching his slight pause.

"It is."

I narrow my eyes, "Stop it, Hikaru."

And he glances at me, _again_, his eyes innocent, _stop what?_

"I have nothing to stop. It was meant to be like this," he sighs and pushes me away, before busying himself in fixing something on the shelves, fingering a bag of cookies, his voice low, "We weren't supposed to be together so we were separated…" he turns towards me, a sad smile on his face, "I just…" and I watch curiously as he averts his eyes from mine.

"I was just… too attached," he takes a deep breath, "I've always liked being around you. I just wanted a moment, a couple of days."

I stay in place as he rambled, listening, my eyes following his movements.

"But you know," and he pauses, "I knew that several weeks was too long. Kao-kun couldn't be oblivious for weeks, months," Hikaru smiles, and only a small glint of sadness in his eyes, and I _know _that he doesn't want me back.

"It was enough for me, you know. I got a new job that I like," he shrugs, wiping the windows with a towel, "The employer isn't bad, even though I'm all by myself here…"

"You're okay here?" I ask, tentative to his answer. He just looks at me, his hazel eyes blank. I bite back my words, wondering how- _how_ I can convince him, when he cuts me off.

"So, do you want chocolate chip or shortbread, Kao-kun?" he chirps, a happy-cheery-_fake_ smile on his face. "Or do you want to try the cakes? I might've charred one, but I think I followed the recipe correctly! Taicho taught me it and all; and if Miyune-san, she does the night shift you know, if she doesn't think that I did it well, she could just redo everything, y'know-"

I just keep silent, wondering _why_ I'm feeling so _strange_-

"-and I always save cookies for the little bird- I have a friend who volunteered to take care of it-"

I look up, to see his smiling face- _so then that bird wouldn't be there anymore-_

"-and I'll give the cookies to him. Even though he's kind of already a bird maniac; he's kind of crazy, crushing on this cute little lawyer," he comments a sly smile on his face, "Totally out of his league! Plus senpai already has this huge, huge crush on her-"

"What about you?"

He stops abruptly, and glances at me, a contemplative expression on his face.

And then he smiles, as if he wasn't the one who _changed my life_, "I'll be fine; Usa-chan-"

"You gave Usa-chan to me," I whisper, retorting softly.

He blinks, before waving dismissively, "Senpai gave me his Kuma-chan, so-"

"You gave Kuma-chan to me too," I press.

This time he doesn't falter, "I don't need _stuff animals_ to keep me company, Kao-kun. I'm not a kid. I can take care of myself."

"So you know they're _only_ stuffed animals," I challenge, my eyes raking across his nonchalant expression, wondering if I can just find something, how- how-?

"Of course!" he says again, before turning around and furiously scratching at the surface of the counter, as if there's a stain of something on it. "Kao-kun should know that even I'm not _that_ shallow!"

My eyes fix on his hand, and I _think_ I know.

"But you were pretending."

"I was always pretending."

His rag rubs harshly against the pale counter.

"You're pretending now."

His hand stops. He fists the rag, and his voice is just as casual as before.

"That's… I'm not pretending," he denies, his fingers loosening around the cloth, and resumes scrubbing against the counter, "I'm… I'm perfectly happy with what I'm doing."

And something's off now.

I blink, as my eyes meet that stain. My voice echoes across the empty bakery.

"I get it now."

"Get what?" he says, turning back towards me, his hand clenching around the rag again.

And everything's fitting in now-

"Hikaru." I look up as I see him look at me curiously. I continue, crossing my arms, "You don't like baking, Hikaru."

His eye twitches, just for a second, and I _get it_.

"What's that supposed to mean, Kao-kun? Baking's fun," he pouted, his hazel eyes flashing defensively, "It's just that _you_ don't like baking."

"You like designing though," I add, but this time, he only looks at me.

"Didn't we already go over this, Kao-kun?" he says distastefully, his eyes crossing, "I don't like designing. All the numbers confuse me-"

_-but they don't_-

"-and the measurements are annoying-"

_-but they aren't_-

"-and I'm no good with designing anything anyway-"

-_but you are_-

"-so I don't like designing!"

"But you _do_, Hikaru!"

"I don't!" he denied, and it's again, like that _time_ before, but this time, I have something that can help me.

I place my hands onto his hands, hoping that maybe he would just _stop_ and listen to me for once. He pulls his hands away from me and whips around, away from me-

Maybe to find somewhere to hide and deal with it on his own-

"Hikaru!"

And I'm just getting even more annoyed.

Which is funny: shouldn't I be calm, nonchalant Kaoru, who doesn't respond at all to _anything_?

He doesn't stop, and I don't stop either. My hand grasps his hand tightly, the other on his shoulder and I turn him around, stopping him in his tracks.

"Hikaru, you're pretending."

He doesn't respond, stubbornly looking at a spot above my shoulder.

I press on, my voice harsh, and I just want him to _get it_ and stop all this, "You're pretending that you hate things that you like and like things that you hate."

He doesn't meet my eyes.

"You pretend to be a loud-mouthed, outspoken person, but you cut my statements off whenever you don't want to hear something," I continue, a deep feeling powering my words.

He doesn't move.

"You pretend to be this annoying, blissfully ignorant child, that irritates me to no end and always ends things with trouble."

His eyes scan the tiled floor.

And I just follow his gaze before closing my eyes.

"I hate you, Hikaru."

And when I open my eyes, he's looking at me, like he's surprised.

"Because that's what you wanted, Hikaru," I continue, pulling away from him slowly, my eyes averting, "You wanted me to hate you. And so I did."

He just looks at me, like his brain shut down on him, his eyes wide.

"Are you happy with that?"

I watch him as he looks at me, staring into my eyes, all the pretense, all the lies stripped away. His voice goes quiet, soft, timid, _un-Hikaru_ like-

"Do… Kao-kun, do you…" he shuffles his feet nervously, cautiously, and I'm wondering what he's about to say when he takes a deep shuddering breath, "Kaoru…do you _really_ hate me?"

He looks up at me, his eyes slightly moist, his normally strong voice wavering, "Because… I don't get it now."

"You don't get it?" I breath, as he nods, shifting uncomfortably. I soften my tone, taken aback by his weakness, my hands letting him go, "Then… why did you lie to me?"

He doesn't answer, and instead drops his gaze to the floor, still, speechless.

"Hikaru," I prod, just a little and he perks up slightly, "Do you know why I want you back?"

"Not really," he murmurs softly, timidly, "You didn't like me, Kao-kun."

"Kaoru," I correct him, sternly, crossing my arms, "You have to call me Kaoru."

He blinks, confused, his hazel eyes searching mine, "Kao-kun, what do you-"

I quirk a brow, my voice testy, "Do you really think I like to answer to Kao-kun, to Kaoru-kun, to Hitachiin-san?"

He just looks at me, before his eyes widened slightly, and the normal Hikaru-spark glints in his eyes, "Kaoru? You want me call you Kaoru?"

I nod, before exhaling softly, "We always had something in common, Hikaru. But since I never got to show it, you kept pushing me away."

"So, it's _my_ fault-"

"But you brought it back too," I continue, cutting him off, before a smile graces my lips, "You can't just _leave_ and expect me to accept it without a fight," I narrow my eyes slightly, and all the feelings disappear, my voice confident, "I'm not that weak."

He just watches me, his mouth opening slightly.

"So, I want you back."

He closes his mouth, before he shrugs happily, like he doesn't really _care_ anymore, and wraps his arms quickly around me, his warmth surrounding me, and I smile just a little brighter, because it feels funny, _nice-_

"Kaoru," he ponders slowly, before tightening his grasp, and I'm just happy that he's finally being _himself_ again. His voice goes quiet, like he's telling me a secret, telling me something, and I could only faintly hear-

"I missed you too."

And I'm taken aback just slightly, my eyes moistening slightly, and he _knows_ why I needed him, wanted him.

He pulls away quickly, before smiling a blissfully white smile, his eyes sparkling, "Let's go get you chocolate chip then, Kaoru!"

And for the first time in my life, I laugh, just… _laugh_.

Because Hikaru finally understands me, finally _gets it_, and because I finally know why I loved Hikaru in the first place.

Hikaru was always stubborn; he wouldn't let me do anything that he didn't want me to do.

And when he left, he wouldn't let me do anything about it-

-until I found out he just pushed me away, _pretended he didn't want me anymore, pretended that he couldn't do anything about it_, the thing that I've always done to him.

I just needed him, just needed his will to break the shell that he's created.

I just needed to become _Kaoru_ for him to love me back.


End file.
